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But there is so much more to the story than what unfolds here. Details on how to purchase and when will be announced in coming weeks.

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This is not an official RPH Fiction blog post.

This is the creator being open and vulnerable for my readers to gain some support during a trying time in my life. Writing is what I love. It is the only thing I am sure of career wise. I have worked in so many customer services positions, I have been a manager, and I have even done custodial work for a school system.

At the height of the pandemic I was pregnant and working at a smaller high end grocery store. I busted my ass to get through it until I had my son. Against my better judgment, I went back after my son was born. I earned the front end manager position, but shortly afterwards the company dissolved my position. I was never formally given this information. I found out when my store manager asked me if I received a bonus, and then said, “Oh yeah, you don’t get them anymore.” I still stayed. I still took on the tasks of hiring people, and through most of 2021 I was blamed for my lack of employees, although nobody was applying to work for our store. I left after countless moments of disrespect from two male managers who liked to put the shortcomings of my department on my shoulders, and simultaneously take credit for my success.

Since leaving, I haven’t been able to find a job in my city that will work with the schedule necessary to take care of my children. My husband works full time. We are in a position where we are moving to another state with better opportunity for us, and where we can make our dreams come true. I want to sell real estate and create my fiction stories for the world. He wants to run a lawn care business. Together we want to raise a healthy family and give our three children the world.

I work hard on the posts for RPH Fiction. Every post is hours of dedication that I post for free. I spread the word to get to readers on Twitter and Facebook. I do all of my own graphics and if the photo isn’t mine I never take claim of it when including it in a post. I am here to build a dream. I will not change the way I operate. There will never be a surprise subscription fee to hit you with. I only plan to build on what I have started with more posts, a podcast, and hopefully the opportunity to help other writers.

I am pushing for a $10k goal on my Ko-Fi account. This goal is important to the success of this page and the goals in my personal life. So, if you can share RPH Fiction with a friend who may like it, or tip me on your own it would be so appreciated! Like I said, I work hard to build this and I don’t intend to quit, but behind this keyboard is a human who needs a quick boost in faith. I am having a difficult time and it is not at all related to RPH Fiction. It is a circumstantial struggle that I am fighting like hell to overcome.

Thank you for your time.

-Ava

Part Seven

Rae

During our seventh grade Christmas break, Elaina fell so ill with the flu that she had to be carried by her father into the bathroom. I went over there to check on the family with my parents, and when I snuck up to her room to check on her, I didn’t even recognize her. Darren later called on my parents to keep an eye on Emmet and Eli, and I became terrified that she was going to die. Faced with the idea of living without Elaina there to make me laugh, check up on me, or to just annoy me, I felt like less of myself.

When Eden found her on the bathroom floor of Georgie’s during my baby shower, that feeling settled over me again. Did she do this to herself? If she had so much pain in her heart that she would choose death, how did I not see it coming? She suffered from dark days, but she was going to therapy and she opened up to me more than ever.

We were forced to standby and watch Roy County EMTs carry Elaina out on a stretcher, with an oxygen mask over her face. She looked as fragile as butterfly wings, as pale as a ghost, and shocked as she stared at the ceiling with tears rolling down her cheeks.

I refused to see what was in front of me for so long, the truth smacked me in the face. Elaina put so much work into Georgie’s, and while they had their ups and downs, her relationship with Chase Claire seemed to be working. I never pulled at her loose ends to see that she was doing all of this work to give everyone a false sense of security while she fell apart in private.

In the waiting room of Roy County Memorial Hospital, I learned that her hemoglobin was low. I had to take to the internet to find out that meant she had low oxygen in her blood. Nicole, the person I went to for all of my medical questions, was busy with Thaden so I couldn’t go to my usual reference for medical questions, and I was thrown for another loop when Amy mentioned she had a peptic ulcer. 

“It’s caused by drinking, medications with NSAIDS, caffeine, smoking…A bunch of shit that Laney does,” I said to Eli as I looked at my phone. 

“She doesn’t smoke,” Eli pointed out to me.

“Not cigarettes.” I raised my eyebrow as I laid back, holding onto my pregnant belly. “She’s been smoking weed like a chimney for the past three weeks.”

“She also has a head injury and bruising on her neck.” Amy took a seat next to me, before continuing, “A nurse noticed discoloration in her skin and began wiping at it with a wet washcloth. She had caked on a bunch of makeup to cover it up, but it was there. It looks like somebody choked her.”

“I knew she was acting weird in the bathroom. That’s what she was doing.”

“Who the fuck was choking her? Was she awake? Did she say?” Eli snapped.

“She wouldn’t say anything with me there. The nurse made me leave because she didn’t want me around. She’s in pain and they don’t want to give her anything until they get all of the tests back that the doctor is running, now.”

I looked to my right at the sound of metal hitting the floor to see a chair lying on the ground. Nicole held Thaden by the shoulder as he growled into his hands, before wiping his palms over his face and looking at his sister with wild eyes.

“Hey, stop,” Nicole ordered. “As if this isn’t stressful enough, I don’t need you leaving to do something stupid.”

“I finally had her. We were going to leave together tonight. She was coming with me to Arizona, and I can only assume that at some point we were actually going to be together, and now the girl I have loved my whole life is lying in a hospital bed because of him. How much more do you think I can take from that bastard?”

“You can still have all of that with her.” Emmet stood behind his wife with his arms crossed over his chest. “Elaina was on her way to crashing no matter what. What Arthur did to her is bullshit, and he’ll get his for it, but that isn’t important. Elaina is going to recover here, and maybe get a wake up call that she needed. That ulcer wouldn’t have been so bad if she wasn’t ignoring it for whatever reason she made up in her mind. She has meds in her system, she’s been drinking heavily, and she was walking around with a gash in her head. As much as I want to pin this all on him, she played her own part in this. This is her fault, too. She needs help and I hope that she’ll finally admit it now that her choices got her here.”

“Hey, I think it would ruin anyone if the man who raped them as a child came walking back into the picture.”

“What?” Eli and Emmet both stared at their mother with dumbfounded expressions on their faces.

“Arthur is your sister’s abuser.” Amy folded her hands together in her lap as she looked at her towering sons. “She keeps so many things quiet, because I taught her to swallow her pain. I taught her that letting people know you’re weak or vulnerable is wrong. We can’t blame Elaina for who she is. I put standards on her that I can’t even obtain. She’s right, though…I could never be who she is. She has never been mean to anyone she loves. I ruined my relationship with her and handicapped her.”

“So, you’re jealous of your daughter?” Emmet dropped down in front of his mother, pressing his elbows to his knees as he glared at Amy. “I have always known that you were too hard on her, but what you’re saying to me sounds like you’re pissed because you can’t be her, and that is fucking weird.”

“That is the accusation Darren used to make. He worked so hard to protect her from me, but he had a job, and I just wanted her to be who I would be.” Amy physically shook as she tried to take in deep breaths to stop herself from crying. “I had a problem with pills before your father passed away. Elaina had those migraines, and I used to take her in to get prescriptions that I would steal for myself. I stole your dad’s medication for his back after he had that truck drive into his car. I used to buy from Arthur, when he worked at Sheila’s and that’s how he got the job as our gardener. After I confronted him, he blackmailed me into keeping Elaina quiet. He told me that if I ratted on him, he would ruin my life by telling everyone my secrets. Instead of owning my problem, I went for her. I decided that if Elaina was the perfect person, she could have the perfect life and she would never hate me for not protecting her like I should have done. So, I cut down her meals, I refused her food, and when it was just the two of us I constantly scolded her, for her laugh, the rasp in her voice, her hair, her clothes…Whatever I felt she needed to change. I made her run until she got physically ill when she was a cheerleader, and I promised her that if she ever told anyone I would keep her locked in her room.” She cleared her throat and wiped tears from her eyes as she whispered, “I was also your sister’s abuser. She hates me. She tries not to show it. There are moments when she is so perfect at faking her love for me that I almost believe it. Even tonight with that speech, I knew that she didn’t want to do it, but I forced her into it out of some sick pleasure. I created her to be a perfect woman, but there is this part of me that just wants to see her screw up.”

“You need help, immediately,” Emmet snapped. “I don’t even know what to do with you. Now, I get it. When Dad would joke about having you committed or sending you away for good, he wasn’t fucking joking. At this point, it wouldn’t surprise me if you had him killed because he was catching onto your bullshit, Amy.”

“Would you lower your voice?” Amy snapped.

Emmet smiled. “I’m going to go on Cassidy Claire’s podcast with this madness and blow apart your whole charade. Everyone will know the real Amy Pacer when I’m done with my truth tour. You have no idea what I want to do to you right now. She’s my sister! And I don’t have one terrible thing to say about her, but now I get it. Now I know why she is such an amazing person, because she’s pushing herself to be nothing like you. She has an eating disorder because of you. She makes herself sick, because of you! And that, Mom, that should be enough to make you want to crawl in a hole and die.”

“I understand that I am wrong, and I am working on it. I am working on fixing my relationship with Elaina and being a better mother to her, but you cannot treat me like I am a bad mother to all of you. I take care of Emma for you and Nicole, I’ve been there for Eli and Rae. I am always helping out Eden when she needs it. There is just so much of me in Elaina, I had a hard time. It has nothing to do with her and everything to do with me. I understand that I was wrong, but she is the one who gets to decide if I am a part of her life or not.”

“Sounds to me like she decided,” Nicole said. “She was going to leave town.”

“Was she leaving or was she running?” I asked, as I stood up. Eli reached for my hand to help me but I pushed him away. “I need a minute.”

I found the nearest bathroom and locked myself inside of a stall to cry. I was so enraged. Not at my best friend, not at Amy, and not even at Arthur. I was just pissed at myself for not seeing any of it. Just like the circumstances with Jenna, I couldn’t have predicted this. I was under the delusion that everything was fine, until it was too late to matter. 

•••

Three days passed before I made my way into the room to see Elaina for the first time. I was thankful to see the color back in her cheeks, and some shine in her bright green eyes. She smiled at the sight of me, as she laid back in the hospital bed with a water cup in her hands.

Thaden sat on the right side of her bed, staring out of a window. He clutched onto her hand as if he were afraid to let her go. 

“Hey. What is going on?” I dropped down next to her and stuck my tongue out as she scrunched up her face at me. 

“He has to leave.” Her voice was weak as she answered me, and raspier than ever. “His boss is being a hoe, threatening to fire him if he doesn’t show up by the end of the week.”

“I told Elaina that I don’t care, that I would rather be here for her, and she is being an asshole about it,” Thaden snapped, as he stood up and reached for his red and black backpack. “She has the mentality that she can deal with everything on her own. I remember when I felt that way and I couldn’t get rid of her. Everywhere I turned she was there, but when it’s my turn to be there for her all she can do is stress the importance of my dream, as if she didn’t just ask me to take her away with me so that we actually had a chance.”

“I am leaving here to go to rehab.” She gave him a serious look. “There’s a nice one near Pittsburgh. Sylvie is helping me secure my spot now. Even if you stay, it would be for nothing, Thay. Don’t you want to have a job and a life when I am ready to come there? Because if you stay, we’re both stuck here.”

“You don’t need rehab. You’re not an addict, Elaina. You use drinking to handle your emotional baggage, and that’s not healthy, but if you were an addict you would be detoxing, right now. Your body would be melting down. I know because I went through it.”

“I no longer accept people telling me what I need,” she growled at him. 

“Rehab for what?” I asked, as I took a seat to the left of her, right next to all of the machines they had connected to her. 

“Rehab to keep me alive,” she answered. “Rehab to keep me from using drinking like a bandage for emotional wounds. Rehab for harming myself. Rehab for my bad choices. Rocki suggested it when I called her, and I am not in the position to argue with the person who has gotten me this far.”

“You’re really giving her all of the credit? You’ve been with her for what, like six or seven months? I’ve been with you your whole life.” I gave her a weak smile as she let out a loud laugh.

“Don’t worry, you are and always will be the hero of my story, Rae. Right now, though, you have someone else to focus on. A little baby boy who needs his mom to be focused on her own health and peace. Your house is almost ready for you and Eli to start your happily ever after. We have gotten Georgie’s up and running, and Emmet has agreed to help you keep it in order for as long as we may need him. Nicole is thrilled because he will be staying on the hill. This is the right thing.”

“What happens when you get out of rehab?” Thaden wore a concerned expression. 

“I have no idea, but when I figure it out, I will let you know. You two will be the first people that I call.”

“How are you feeling?” I asked, once Thaden had left the room to get himself some food and begrudgingly claim his ticket back to Arizona.

“Tired. Sore. I have a headache that doesn’t want to leave me alone and I feel like if I close my eyes they are never going to open again.” She gave me a sad smile. “I am so sorry about being carried out on a stretcher in the middle of your baby shower.”

“I am so sorry for never noticing how much you were struggling. For not seeing through your facade. I should’ve known better. I should’ve asked more questions, like why you never wanted to be around your mom, and what caused you to just stop eating.”

“Yep.” She sipped from her straw before saying, “You really dropped the ball, girl.”

“I am going to say something that’s hard for me. It kept me awake for a few nights, just wondering how things would be without you. You need to go. Whenever you’re feeling well enough, you need to take off to Arizona and find some peace. I don’t know if this means that I will never see you again, or if it means that you won’t come back to the hill. But, I would rather live in a world where you exist, then a world where you were missed. With Arthur being back in town, and your mother finally admitting to everything that she put you through, you need a space where you are free. That can’t be the hill, not with your state of mind. I talked to Stella about it and she even pointed out that it would give me a chance to grow without you, like maybe us having some time apart would bring us closer.”

“We can get closer?” She widened her eyes in surprise. “We shower together on occasion. I don’t know how much closer we can be without stitching ourselves together.”

“Laney, you get what I am saying.”

“You’re right.” She took a sip of water, as she blinked back tears. “I just really hate the idea of missing out on seeing you become a mom. That’s the one thing I struggled with when I asked Thaden to take me with him. I know that you don’t need me to protect you, but I have always done it. I have always thrown myself in front of the bullets coming your way because I love who you are, and I don’t want you to be broken. I’ve had a hard time dealing with the fact that Eli is going to take that place in your life, but the one thing I really looked forward to was getting to be that person for my nephew. An extra layer of protection from the coldness of the world that surrounds him. And getting to have Elias and Emma fall asleep on me? I was so excited.”

“Nobody says you have to stay gone,” I pointed out to her.

She shrugged. “I guess I just have a huge fear of what I will miss out on.”

“You should be much more excited for what you’re going to discover. Eli and I jump on any opportunity to get away. Living on Pacer Hill can make a person forget that there’s a big world out there. That’s why my parents always disappear to the cabin and that’s why Nicole loves to travel with Emmet whenever she gets a chance. It humbles you. It reminds you that Pacer Hill is not the center of the universe. There is so much to see and explore, Elaina. You’ve hardly left this hill because people have gone out of their way to make it difficult for you. I understand that, now. The biggest reason you should go is that nobody can control you if you’re not here, and you’ve lived through twenty-one years of constant control. I never saw it until your mother confessed her abuse, but I see it now. You also need to go away so that she can fix herself.”

“No matter what I do, the Princess of Pacer Hill died on that bathroom floor. I am no longer that Elaina Pacer. I am a person who wants to live life on my own terms, and I am figuring out what that means for me. Whether I stay or go after rehab is still undecided.”

“So, hey.” Nicole walked into the room with a concerned look on her face. “I need to tell you something before you find out somewhere else. Chase Claire is dead.”

“Mmm.” Elaina gave Nicole a blank look as she bit her lip.

“Oh my god, how?” I asked.

“From what I can gather, it was a hit and run. He was crossing Northam to get to Sheila’s. Oliver found him while running his patrol. And, um…You’re pregnant.”

Elaina blinked and tears fell down her cheeks. “You’re fucking kidding.”

I smacked my hand to my mouth as I stared at Elaina in disbelief. 

“Your nurse felt it would be best coming from me so she has waited for my shift to tell you.” Nicole shuffled back and forth in her scrubs. She leaned against the wall first, then started adjusting Elaina’s blankets, before filling her water cup back up. 

“This madness is really going to get you some views on your channel!” I chirped, and then immediately wondered why I said it.

“You’re an idiot,” Elaina whispered.

“I know.”

Nicole let out an uncomfortable laugh. “Do you need anything, babe?”

“A bottle of whiskey, a hot shower, a razor blade and a notepad to leave my goodbye.”

Nicole nodded her head. “How about a bag of jalapeño cheese curls? I have a big one in my locker.”

•••

Elaina did not look thrilled to find everyone waiting in the Merlin House when we returned from Chase’s funeral.

“Did you know about this?” she growled at me.

“No idea,” I answered, giving her a quick shake of my head as we stood on the porch, looking through the window to see all of Pacer Hill and then some sitting around the living room and standing in the kitchen. “What do you want to do? Do you want to take off? We can go hide in a room at the hotel and take a nap.”

“Mmm.” She shook her head. “I am positive this is some kind of party to celebrate me, and I accept.”

“Ohhh-kay. I really like that nap idea though,” I said, as I watched her chug a bottle of water. “How are you feeling?”

She nodded her head. “Nervous and excited.”

“It’s no longer Arizona that you’re going to then?” I asked. 

“No, it’s not. Whitney has a guest house in South Carolina that I’m going to stay in for a few months, and then I don’t know. I don’t know what comes next. Thaden hasn’t spoken to me since I broke the news about being pregnant to him. I don’t know if he’s scared or angry that I let it happen. I don’t know.”

“Do you know what you’re going to do?”

She shook her head at me. “I don’t. Not about the pregnancy. I just know that I am going to heal myself, and I’ll figure out what comes next for the baby once he or she is here. My hope is that holding the baby will help me be sure if I can be a mother or not. Rocki says that’s a sign I want to be a mother…And, I do. I just didn’t picture it happening like this.”

“So, you’re still considering adoption?”

She nodded her head. “It’s on my mind, which is why I would prefer my mom doesn’t know about this. She’ll hate me for even thinking of it. God forbid I look to the world as if I can’t own up to my responsibilities.”

“My lips are zipped.”

“And, that’s why I love you.”

“Hey, Elaina’s here!” Stella chirped, as she pulled Elaina into a warm hug. “Straight from the hospital, to rehab, to a funeral. It’s not been an easy month for you, has it? But look at how beautiful you are coming out of it. I can see that twinkle in your eye, pretty girl.”

“Thanks, Mama Stell.”

She kissed Elaina’s cheek. “It gets better,” she promised. “You’re going to get away and have an amazing adventure. I also have faith that you’ll come home ready to conquer the world from the top of this hill. As your father always said, real Pacers can’t stay away from this place.”

“Thank you, Mama Stell.”

“My girl.” Amy smiled as she opened her arms for a hug from Elaina. 

Elaina gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and pulled free from her. “I’m going to get changed. I’ll be back.”

Amy looked hurt as she turned to Stella. My mother squeezed her shoulder and said, “It gets better with time and work. Show her that you’re trying to be different. Don’t expect instant gratification.”

“I don’t know about instant gratification, but she has never been so cold to me before. Every time I try to speak to her she pushes me away and it has never been like that. She at least tries to fake it most of the time.”

I could only laugh. “You want her to fake it for what? The show you imagine the Pacers are putting on for people? Amy, there’s nobody here to impress.We’re not those Kordalians, or whatever they’re called, and I don’t think Elaina is in the mood to care even if this place was covered in cameras. Hospital, rehab, and the funeral of a guy she really cared about? She’s checked out. She’s ready to leave and we’re all going to have to accept that until she is ready to come home. That’s just how it is.”

Nicole stood at the bottom of the staircase leading up to the second floor and gave me a nod. We found Elaina sitting on her bed, holding onto a bright green hoodie and crying into it.

Nicole sat on one side and I took the other. We both wrapped our arms around her as she let herself feel every ounce of emotion left by Chase’s death.

“This is all that I have.” She held up the hoodie, before folding it and “Could you imagine if he were here? This could’ve been the push that made things work between us. I could picture him being so excited about becoming a father. Stressed, but excited, and I never even had the chance to tell him.”

“Did you tell Cassidy or his mom?” Nicole asked.

“No. I couldn’t do it.” She sucked in a deep breath. “I have no idea if I can even fix myself enough to be a good mom to this baby before he or she comes. And if I can’t fix myself, there’s no way I’m putting my child in a position where his broken mother is the only parent that he has.”

Nicole laughed. “You should feel quite bad for Emma then, because she has two broken parents. A mama who can’t sleep at night because I’m always waiting for my murderous father to show up, and a dad who spends at least ten hours at the gym per week, or else he gets angry at a door for creaking.”

Elaina didn’t react to her comment.

“Okay, so what I am saying is that you don’t have to be perfect to be a parent. All you have to do is love your child and protect her. That’s it. Love and protect. Sing her a song and don’t let her stick her tiny finger in an electrical socket. Feed her and don’t leave her alone in the bathtub. Read her a story and make sure she doesn’t take a big fall down the stairs. That’s parenting. My mom was probably one of the most broken people I have ever known, but she was an amazing mom. I never doubted that she loved me.”

“Do you know what pisses me off the most? Before your brother left I told him everything. I broke down about being pregnant and Chase dying. He listened to it all, he held me and he had the nerve to tell me he loved me. Now, he’s disappeared. He won’t take my calls and won’t answer texts. How do you tell somebody you love them and then blow them off at such a crucial time? He has never done this to me.”

“So is that why you’re going to South Carolina, now?” I asked. “You could be bold enough to go to him. You know where he works. Ask him to his face why he is blowing you off.”

“Have conflict, or choose to move on with my life and find my happiness?” She stood up, disappearing into her closet as she said, “I choose happiness.”

A week later, Eli and I were helping Elaina load all of her bags into her car. 

She and I sobbed the whole time, as I remembered that feeling I had in the seventh grade. I couldn’t imagine a life without Elaina, but she hadn’t been my Elaina in a long time. She lost herself to the pressure of being an heiress and dealing with her mother’s sneaky abuse. She accepted an abusive relationship from her highschool sweetheart, because abuse seemed to be a theme of her life. As much as it broke me to say goodbye, not knowing when I would see her again, I had to be strong. I had to accept that these big changes in our lives would take us in different directions, but know in my heart that she would always be my girl.

“Take a lot of stops on your way there,” I ordered as I hugged her. “Make sure you eat enough. Call me when you can, too. And Elaina, don’t forget that I love you.”

She squeezed me as she whispered, “I love you more. Take care of that baby boy. I’ll be back to see you both soon.”

“So, what do you want to do?” Eli asked after Elaina’s bright purple Mustang pulled off of Pacer Drive, making a left towards Natural Bridge.

I laughed. “Oh baby, I need a long nap.”

“Great. You nap, I’m going to take a ride on the big wheels with Lucky Lee.”

I looked down the hill to see Paul waving up at me while he walked his grumpy little dog on a leash, because otherwise the little devil would end up on Broadway Boulevard trying to eat people. He waved at me with that wise smile on his face, like he knew I needed reassurance that everything would be okay without even talking to me.

I smiled back before walking over to my home with Eli. We would be spending our first night there, after he spent my last week with Elaina breaking his back to have it ready for me. I walked in and laughed as I realized that he had put vanilla wax cubes in my warmer with a note that said, “To remind you of home, sweets.”

I was home, and everything had changed, but at least it smelled like vanilla.

Written by Ava McClure

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Thank you for reading! Keep in mind that The Real Pacer Hill Podcast will be coming in September!

Hi, friends! The more I work to promote this blog and get my story read, the more I see the trouble in the writing industry. So many writers are going unheard. Their stories are collecting dust. Hours of their lives wasted because they aren’t getting noticed, and this is how a writer loses faith in themselves. So, I am working to build RPH into a business. Not only do I have a couple of podcasts that I am developing in relation to Real Pacer Hill, but I want to extend a hand to other writers.

Being able to come up with a story and put it on paper, is not as simple as it sounds. It is both beautiful and haunting. A writers’ mind is constantly thinking “what if” and trying to carry him/her in a different direction. I can’t speak for all writers, but my head is always in the story, even if it is something I have finished. We put hours into developing our stories, and then even more time into perfecting it (as much as we can). On top of that, writers are left to do their own promoting. Even after a manuscript has been finished and edited to its bones, there’s no promise that it will make it in front of readers.

My goal is to build my blog, and as I gain followers, breathe hope into writers. It may be bigger than me, but with support from my readers I hope that I can pick up likeminded people who want to help me in this mission.

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As always, to the people who are following this story, follow me on Twitter or on my Facebook, each one of you are taking me a step closer to my dream, so thank you. Without your views on my page as encouragement, I don’t know that I would be as inspired as I am to continue, or if I would be enjoying this so much. For now, I’m taking it one post at a time and trying to give you the best, mostly for myself. I really love what I do!

Sincerely,

The RPH Creator,

Ava McClure

Trigger Warnings: violence, addiction

Part Six

Elaina

As I looked through my purse for a small bottle of tequila to add to my iced coffee, I felt like throwing it across the room. I was ready to give up and chug half of a bottle of wine back at the Merlin House when my hand finally landed on the smooth, cold glass bottle. 

“Are you serious?” Chase took a seat at my table with an iced cappuccino. “Bubba, what the fuck are you doing to yourself?”

I added the alcohol to my iced coffee, ignoring the tears that burned in my eyes. “I warned you not to fall in love with me.”

“And I didn’t listen.” He pressed his large, sun kissed hand over the top of mine. His thumb played with the purple band that sat on my pinky finger, as it dawned on me that I felt like a trash bag rotting out in the sun.

My stomach was churning. Whenever I became nervous it hurt in this horrible way that I can’t explain, as if somebody had a saw digging into my abdomen. At my last appointment, I told my therapist it was anxiety and she told me to go to the hospital. 

“I do love you, but we have some things to figure out.” He twisted the ring around my finger faster. “We both have problems. I was under this assumption that dating a wealthy and young heiress would be easy. From the beginning, I thought you’d have your shit together. I mean, just look at you. You always look perfect. The dress, the hair, your makeup, and even your nails.”

I laughed as I rested my chin on my fist. “My mom makes my nail appointments. She’s consistent with that one aspect of our relationship, otherwise she’s hot and cold. Amy Pacer is a fucking wonder.”

“So are you.” He gave me a serious look. “You own three cars, a house, a business, and a bank account that is greater than the money I will ever see in my lifetime.”

“So, is that what attracted you to me? Because, that makes you a snake. My life is my life. I have never promised what is mine to anyone. It’s not something that I use to draw people in, and if you’re one of these idiots who is going to tell me I didn’t earn it, you have no idea what it costs to be me.”

“I never wanted anything but you,” he assured me, as I gulped half of my iced coffee right out of the cup before replacing the lid and straw. I laid my head back, staring towards the window as he added, “I have the feeling that’s the one thing you’d never be able to give me.”

I pulled my hand away from him. “Is this how it finally ends? After all I tolerated from you?”

“We are a problem.”

“Where does this conversation end, Chase? What is your goal? Because, if you need me to fess up to my problems, I can. I own them, but you knew that getting into this. I drink too much and I fall apart over nothing. I don’t think you got into this for me, though. What is it? Is it money or the chance to be seen with a Pacer? Because, wow, you had no clue that neither of those things are worth loving me, did you?” I laughed, clapping my hands to my mouth. “I don’t even love me. How could I? I get on the right path for all of five days, and then before I know it, I’m flying off of the rails again.”

He tried to grab hold of my hand, and whether it was the pain of a breakup that I didn’t see coming, or past trauma, I buried my fingernails within his skin until he cringed in pain. He used his free hand to push me away, and my elbow knocked my coffee to the ground.

Before I could even blink, Chase disappeared out of the door. I buried my face into my hands and sobbed. If I cried for Chase at all, it was only because I failed at loving him.

Eden walked around the front counter of Coffee Break and pulled me into a tight hug, rocking me back and forth. “Hey, let’s go to my office before the whole town is trying to catch a recording of your breakdown for their feeds.”

“Eden, I don’t know how to do this anymore.”

“Do what? What do you need help with?”

“Being alive. Breathing. Making it from one day to the next. I don’t know how to do it without fucking up everything I touch. I’m like that guy who turned everything to gold.”

“King Midas.”

“Not the tire guy, oh my fuck. The gold guy, Eden.”

Eden fought off a smirk as she sat down in the booth next to me. “You just do it. You do it because you’re my big sister and I don’t know what I would do without your vanilla hugs. You do it because amazing things are going to happen for you and you deserve them. You do it for yourself, Elaina. Fuck everyone else and what they want. This is your life and you have got to do it your way, without apologizing or feeling like you owe anyone anything.”

I sucked in deep breaths until I steadied myself. Laughing, I asked her, “Can you get me another coffee?”

“Absolutely.” She gave me a concerned. “Just be careful how much tequila you add into it. You’re heavy handed and we have a baby shower in less than two hours.“

“You saw that?”

She laughed, throwing out her arms. “I am positive that the whole shop saw it.”

I looked around to see if there was anyone worth noting inside of the shop that afternoon, and my eyes landed on Thaden. He smiled at me, from where he sat munching on a fruit plate with a large iced water. I remember the days I used to beg him to get sober off of pills for his own well-being, and it broke me to see that the tables had turned. 

Over our breakfast together, I promised him that I wouldn’t drink before the babyshower that day. There I was, making a complete liar of myself right to his face, and in a coffee shop.

After Eden dropped off my coffee, I walked out of the double doors, onto Broadway Boulevard, whispering to myself, “Just make it through the fucking baby shower,” as I typed out a text to Chase.

I am sorry. I am so sorry. I don’t know why…I am just a fucking nightmare, and you’re not wrong to not want to deal with it.

I sat on a bench, waiting for his response.

I think you’re in love with him. You didn’t spiral until he came around. We need space, Elaina. Let’s call it, dude, because this is exhausting.

We had been going back and forth for a while, but he never called me “dude” before then, and I knew we were done. There was no more, “Let’s see what happens,” or “Just give me a chance.” We were done, and he was right.

I loved Thaden. 

I poured some tequila straight out of the bottle, into my mouth. I didn’t care that I sat right on the busiest road in Pepper’s Ferry, or that people were gawking at the Princess of Pacer Hill having herself another moment. Who needs a solid reputation when you can pay people to love you.

I stood up to leave with my purse, my iced coffee, and none of my dignity. 

“Hey girl.”

I didn’t have time to scream, to run, or even to throw my coffee at him. He grabbed hold of me and pulled me next to the building as quickly as he caught my attention.

Arthur Lake had me with his hand around my throat.

I felt him jerk my purse off of my arm and heard it hit the ground. I tried to fight him, but he maintained his grip as I fought for my breath.

“You fucking ruined me,” he growled. “I could kill you right now, and there’s no punishment that could leave me worse off than I am. You have my children stuck up on that hill in your little cult. Huh? None of them want to see me or talk to me and it’s all ‘cause of you and that dead bitch. But, I won’t do it today. I want you to have fucking nightmares about it. I want you to spend every second believing that I am coming for you, terrified out of your mind, until I finally show up, and there is nothing you can do.”

He slammed my head backwards against the brick wall behind me, before letting me drop to the ground. He calmly grabbed my purse and began walking away, towards a red truck that sat on the side of the road.

“Fuck this,” I whispered to myself as I somehow found the strength to get up to my feet, stumbling against the wall as I struggled to take a step.

Out of all of the people who had been gawking at me inside out the coffee shop, and while I sat on the bench, not a single person tried to help me as I stumbled towards the steps by the Pepper’s Ferry Family Courthouse. In hindsight, I believe that they all assumed that I was stumbling because of the alcohol, but in the moment their apathy added to my rage.

I made it up to the Merlin House with a pounding headache and a burning sensation in my throat every time I took a breath.

“I just have to make it to the baby shower,” I whispered to myself, as I crawled up my stairs like a small child who hadn’t found their balance. 

Once inside my bathroom, I grabbed hold of my makeup bag, pouring half of the contents out onto the ground to find my concealer.

“Hey babe, just wanted to let you know I’m here!” Rae shouted from the doorway of my bedroom. “Eli is hanging out with the guys already. I had an awesome lunch with my sisters.”

“Okay.” I pushed my bathroom door closed as I tried to force myself to sound normal. “I’ll be out in a minute.”

“I heard a rumor that you were out to eat with Thaden this morning,” she teased, as she cracked it open. 

“Mmm.” I cleared my throat, and it made me cringe in pain, with tears in my eyes as I stared into the mirror. “We went to the Secret Garden. He ate everything. I just had a smoothie.”

“Why just a smoothie?” 

I stopped the bathroom door with my hand before she could push it open.

“I said I will be out in a minute.”

“Are we being shy around each other all of a sudden?” she asked.

I could see her eyes in the crack of the door, peering into the mirror as I applied the makeup to my neck, so I stepped back from it.

“Laney, why are you being so weird?” She pushed the door open.

“I am fine. Stop worrying about me.” I focused on picking up the makeup I dumped on the floor, while I ignored the pounding in my head. “I am just in a hurry to get myself together.”

“I’m not supposed to show up for another ninety minutes. Everyone was very firm about what time I needed to be there. No earlier, no later, so we are fine.”

“Mmm.” I stopped and held my palms over my eyes, feeling as though I could fall over. “Right. We had that long break.”

“Laney, seriously.” Rae stared at me as I opened up my closet door and gazed at all of the dresses, only a third of them without a price tag.

Dress shopping was a form of therapy for me before I started actual therapy.

“I am fine, alright?” I chimed in the perkiest voice I could commit to with my throat aching. “You’re the one who is pregnant and just suffered from a violent breakdown that cost me hundreds of dollars when you pushed your dresser through my window. You’re the one I should be worried about. Don’t worry about me.”

“I didn’t think the dresser would actually go through the window,” she told me with a guilty expression on her face, as she sunk down onto my bed.

“Here.” I tossed her a bag. “I almost forgot that I got you a dress for today when I was out shopping for mine.”

“Elaina,” she gushed, as she opened the zipper bag. “This is crazy.”

“It’s beautiful. Almost like it was made with you in mind. The way that blue pops against the white, and all of the stars and moons on the side. I couldn’t pass it up after you told me you want Little Man’s room to be a summer sky theme.”

She kissed me on the cheek. “I love you!” she sang.

“I’m going to add it to your tab for all of the trouble that you caused me after moving in here,” I teased, as she dashed for the door.

I walked into the middle of my closet and sunk down to the floor, my legs twisted around me as I stared at the ceiling in surrender. How much more could I take until I couldn’t take it anymore? How much longer did I have to walk around being stronger than I really felt until I didn’t have to be strong anymore? 

I was so tired. 

“Just make it through the baby shower,” I whispered to myself as I emerged from the closet. At the bottom of my dresser, I found a prescription bottle of leftover pain pills I was prescribed after Oliver bashed my head into the dash of his car. I dumped four into my hand and swallowed them down with a forgotten glass of wine from the night before, as I tried to decide if I was more pathetic when I was making up lies to cover up his abuse, or right in that moment. “Just make it through the fucking baby shower.”

Rae and I met each other in the living room as I shoved a handful of THC gummies into my mouth to add to the disaster that was shaping out to be my day, brought forth by my own terrible choices. 

“What are those?”

“A gift from Thaden that he snuck here from Arizona.” 

She pointed at the window as Thaden’s face popped up in the glass. “What is that? You just speak his name and he arrives?”

“He is my best friend. I guess we’re on the same wavelength.”

“You know, you’re calling him your best friend so much that it is actually starting to piss me off,” she sneered.

“Don’t worry, babe. You will always be my girl,” I promised as Thaden busted through the front door, with Eli right behind him.

“Are you ready to party?” Thaden exclaimed.

I fell into my recliner and tried to force a smile, as I fought off a wave of exhaustion that felt as though it was bigger than me.

“Laney, your head is bleeding,” Rae pointed out to me.

“What?” I jumped up to see a bloodstain on the back of the chair. “I fell. It’s fine. I’m fine.” 

I rushed off to the black bathroom, and seconds later Thaden was in there with me. I pressed my forehead against his strong shoulder as I silently cried, and the most precious thing is he never tried to make me tell him why I was crying.

•••

“Are you ready to give your speech?” Amy asked me, twenty minutes into the shower.

“Speech?” I asked her, my eyebrows raised in surprise. “There’s a speech? Nobody told me that I had to give a speech. I feel like that information should’ve been relayed to me.”

“I gave a speech when I helped throw Stella’s first baby shower.”

“Brilliant,” I told my mother. “I bet you didn’t pay for her whole party, did you? I supplied everything in here right down to the fucking ice cubes. I think she’ll forgive me if I don’t give a speech.”

“I think you should stop drinking,” Amy snapped, pointing to the glass of wine in my hand. “It’s the middle of the day and you’re being bitchy.”

“Mmm. This from the woman who I spent two years  cleaning up after, because you got belligerently drunk everyday. I had to pry the bottle out of your hand and help Emmet get you into your bed more times than I can count. Make excuses for why you’re not around and tell everyone that you’re just having a really hard time with the grieving process—that I never had—because I didn’t want anyone to know that my mother was an outrageous alcoholic who abandoned all of her commitments, including parenting. I sat there while you called me names, and watched you tear Stella apart, while she suffered from losing her own daughter. You were the worst, so save it.”

“You’re really going to pick Rae’s baby shower to be a dick?” Amy glared at me. “If you think I won’t take you on, keep pushing me and find out, Elaina Georgie.”

She left me with a spinning head, wondering if I was walking or floating. I couldn’t feel my feet. I didn’t know if I had feet, but more importantly, I didn’t know if I felt that way because I mixed a head injury with expired pain pills, weed, and alcohol, or if it was just my head injury.

“What are you doing?” Thaden asked, sneaking up behind me and wrapping his arms around my waist.

I turned to look at him, grabbing hold of the collar of his black polo as I looked into his beautiful eyes.

“I want to come with you.”

“What?” he asked.

“When you leave tonight, I want to come with you.”

“To Arizona?” he asked. “For how long?”

“I don’t know,” I answered, shaking my head.

“What about Rae and the baby? What about Georgie’s?”

“I don’t know,” I answered, again. 

“So, you’ve thought about this?” he chuckled. 

“Nick mentioned it to me. It was her idea, but it’s a good one, isn’t it?”

“Girl.” He caught me as I almost fell trying to take a step. “Are you okay right now?”

“No. And it’s not because of any substance abuse, though I have done plenty of that, today. Arthur got to me when I was leaving Coffee Break. He has my purse. He has everything.”

“Fuck. Girl.” He gave me a worried look, before wrapping his arm around my neck and kissing my forehead. “Why didn’t you call me? I was right inside.”

I laughed. “My phone was in my purse, and I clearly wasn’t levelheaded.”

“Did you cancel everything? If that man gets the chance he’ll take it all.”

“I emailed my accountant when my good senses came to me. He hasn’t touched anything. I think he just wanted to feel some kind of power over me since he thinks that I ruined his life as a small, six year old child who couldn’t fight back.”

“I am going to kill him,” he growled.

“Don’t do that.” I laid my forehead on his shoulder. “Thaden, just take me away.”

“I will be on your front porch at nine,” he whispered in my ear. “Meet me there with a suitcase. You’ll get some sleep on the plane and when we land in Arizona we will figure out what happens next.”

“Mmm.” I smiled into his chest as he held me. “That sounds so nice.”

He grabbed my cheeks, looking into my eyes with a promising smile underneath his thick beard. “I would do anything for you. All you ever have to do is ask me. I would do the dumbest things for you just because you wanted it. I have a feeling you won’t remember me saying this, but I love you. So, if you want to come for two weeks, two years, the rest of our lives, I have your back just like you have always had mine. I just needed the right opportunity to say this to you.”

“Now, if everyone doesn’t mind quieting down for a minute, we’re going to have Elaina come up here and give a speech,” Amy said, before looking at me from the stage, with this huge grin on her face, and clapping her hands together. “Come on up here, baby.”

“Mmm. She is such a bitch,” I grumbled.

Thaden laughed. “How are you going to give a fucking speech?”

“Pause this.” I raised my finger at him. “Keep this right where it is.”

I walked up onto the stage, still feeling like I was floating as I reached for the stool meant for Rae to use to open her gifts and leaned against it, almost sitting on top of her.

“I didn’t know there was supposed to be a speech,” I told her, as I was handed the microphone by her oldest sister. “This is your first ever baby shower, and I had no idea there was a speech involved. You know how I am with speeches. I write out all kinds of beautiful things. I even draw little pictures on the side. I keep most of them in a binder for later reference so that I don’t repeat too much information, and so that I can reuse certain antidotes depending on the setting. I am amazing at speeches, and you’re just amazing. Seeing you become a mom is a gift that I can’t explain, because I know how much love you have in your heart. Baby Elias is so lucky to have you. We all are, Rae. You’re the voice of reason, the calm, the warm hug. You’re a bowl of soup on a sick day, a cozy blanket on a snow day, and an umbrella in the rain. One day he’s going to look at you and realize God gave him the best mother he could have asked for, because you were always there. I love you and my brother so much. Eli is just going to be the perfect dad, because while you stress out over the baby, he’ll be the guy that’s taking care of you. That’s who he is. It doesn’t matter how many people are in the room, Eli is always looking at you. You’re his everything, but I know he’ll make plenty of room for that little boy and he’ll keep you up on a pedestal. I love you, and I am so happy to share this day with you.”

Thaden gave me a thumbs up as I looked at him after sharing a hug with Rae.

“I love you so much.”

“You’re such a babe in that dress.” I gave her a tight squeeze. “Get to opening those presents so that I can dance with you and that baby belly.”

“Are you sure you can handle that?” she asked, as she kept me from stumbling over my feet.

“Like I said, don’t worry about me.” I gave her a wink. “I’m just here for a good time.”

“I am always going to worry about you. That’s what I do.”

“And, I am always going to make it to tomorrow. That’s what I do.”

I started down the steps and caught my mother glaring at me.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Did you think that was going to trip me up?” I gave her what I hoped was my most perfect grin. “Even on my bad day, I’m still Elaina fucking Pacer. Remember that, Mom. No matter how hard you try to bring me down, I’m never going to stop being everything you could never be.”

“And I am never trying to bring you down,” she sneered. “No matter what, you are my daughter.”

“But starting today, I will no longer be a thing that you possess. I mean that.”

“You have lost your mind.”

“No.” I gave her a glare. “I lost that when I was six, along with everything else that made me innocent. It’s just now starting to catch up with me. The brilliant thing about that is I also found my voice, and as hard as you try you won’t be able to shut me up anymore.”

“Elaina Georgie Pacer.” She crossed her arms over her chest. 

“Amy Etta Pacer.” I flipped her off as I walked away. I had no excuse to do that. I knew my mother could kick my ass and I would let it happen, because she was still my mom.

But, I was feeling as bold as a habanero pepper, and I only had one more loose end to tie up.

“You win.” I slammed my hands down on the counter of the bar in front of Chase. “I love him. I do love Thaden and I was wrong for ever letting you believe that you had a chance. You knew. You always knew and maybe that’s why you couldn’t just get rid of your ex. I think you still love her, too. But, we had so much fun and you did make me happy. I want that to be enough, Chase. I want that to be enough because I want you to keep your job here. I want you to have everything you want because you’re a sweetheart and you deserve it. We are just not it.”

He laughed. “We were wild, we did way too much, and you’re right…We fuel each other’s crazy, but we are not it. We’re not it, and I kept it going for far too long because I was afraid of losing this chance. You changed my life, Elaina. I didn’t want to blow it.”

“Consider it not blown.” I pointed at him and gave him a wink. “You still have your chance, and I am going to run to mine.”

“Run, Bubba.”

I gave him a thumbs up, before saying, “I really have to walk, though. Today has been way too much for me.”

As I walked away from him to get to the restroom, I felt a rush of lightheadedness, and my stomach locked up on me as if I were in the middle of doing a stomach crunch. I felt the urge to burp and puke at the same time, but as I made it into a stall, the dizziness got the better of me. 

I turned to lock the door, and instead, fell through it.

The last I can remember was hearing Eden’s screams for help when she found me, knowing that she would watch me die and there was nothing I could do to stop it from happening. 

What a perfect ending of such an unremarkable life.

My final headline in Pepper’s Ferry Daily would read, ‘The Princess of Pacer Hill Dies on the Bathroom Floor of Her Own Hotel.’

Written by Ava McClure

If you enjoyed part six check out the other parts 1-5 on the homepage of RPH Fiction, and stick around. There are updates coming which may or may not include a podcast!

I wanted to give all of my readers something to vibe to, so I decided to create a playlist of the music that Elaina has playing on her sound system at the Merlin House to bring you deeper into the world of Pacer Hill! Every artist has something that inspires them, and these are just a few of the songs that help me sit through a five hour writing session. I hope you enjoy this!

Click here to listen!

Part Five

From The Outside.

While there may places like Pacer Hill somewhere in the world, there was nothing else like it in Roy County. A person could walk or drive up to the hill. Many tourists walked up there to see Georgie’s Mansion using the staircase by the Pepper’s Ferry Family Courthouse, finding themselves mesmerized by the vast size of the front porch where the old woman was known for sitting to watch over the town while sipping on her homemade lemonade during a hot Pennsylvania summer. The gardens that surrounded the property were where people usually lost themselves in the peace that overwhelmed them, on a hill that had become its own world, separate from everything else that surrounded it.

Many have said that the hill contains a secret cult, and that Elaina Pacer became the head of the Pacer family by making the greatest blood sacrifice. But, anyone who has ever gotten close to Elaina knows that’s not her. She was a breath of fresh air, with a smile ready for anyone she comes across. She’d carry on a conversation with a total stranger just because they said hi to her. She wore heels everywhere, and if she wasn’t wearing a dress she’d wear skintight jeans that showed off the curves of her thin body. Her bright green eyes told their beholder that she went through some things that weighed on her, but she’d never allow herself a moment of weakness. Outside of Pacer Hill, walking through town, Elaina looked just like the young woman everyone else wanted to be. Far from a cult leader, but she knew how to fool anyone into believing that she was perfect and untouchable.

Rae wasn’t one for walking around town like Elaina. Where Elaina sought her freedom, Rae sought the rush of driving too fast through crowded streets, and racing down two lane roads. For a while, the rumor around town was that Rae murdered her older sister, and that the adults of Pacer Hill worked together to cover it up. Maybe it was her enigmatic smile, or the way she seemed to slip out of large crowds and disappear that made people believe she was capable of such a thing. Rae, who loved a nice pair of leggings and a pair of boots, drew people in with her beauty, but she didn’t smile, and instead had an “I dare you” grin.

Rae and Elaina became the faces of Pacer Hill as they grew out of their late teens into their adulthood. The residents of the small tourist town followed Rae’s love story with Elaina’s twin brother, Eli, like it was a movie. Elaina’s love life was the hottest of topics, especially after everything came to a fiery end between Elaina and Oliver. After that she went through this phase of dating one guy after another, until she landed on Chase Claire. They seemed to be the hottest of messes, though nobody could really tell because it was rare to catch them together. Whenever they were out in public, they smiled as they danced at bars, drank way too much, and caught the eyes of everyone around them.

Elaina loved a good song, and Chase loved to get close to her. The sexual chemistry between them was on fire.

With Rae being pregnant and staying away from everyone, and the curiosity surrounding Elaina’s love life, people were dying to get into their ticketed event for the grand opening of Georgie’s Suites. This was the first time in history of the hill that any of the buildings would be open to the public, and the citizens of Pepper’s Ferry lost their minds at the chance to be in such a private setting with the Pacer and Hart families.

Cassidy Claire received a personal invitation from Elaina Pacer. She had a ticket in her hand for food and drinks, along with a date on her arm for that night’s big event as she arrived wearing the fanciest bright blue dress that she could find in local shops. As a popular podcast host and an avid viewer of the Real Pacer Hill channel, she was hyped for this chance to get an inside scoop on the elite families of Pacer Hill.

She walked inside and a string quartet played on a stage in front of the bar, as all of the guests were led to their seats by handsome gentlemen wearing black dress pants, black suspenders, and black dress shirts. Battery operated tea candles were glowing inside black candle holders, on top of welcoming tables covered in black tablecloths and ice cold glasses of water. Every guest seated was dressed in their fanciest outfits as they all stared eagerly up towards the stage, waiting for the moment that any of the people who called Pacer Hill home stepped out on the stage to greet the crowd.

“It looks beautiful in here,” King whispered into Cassidy’s ear.

“Amazing,” she agreed, as she looked around at all of the pictures of Georgie Pacer hung in bright black frames against a spectacularly white wall.

She looked over her head to see a beautiful black chandelier hanging above her, complete with figures of red butterflies, and found herself enchanted by the piece of art. She gazed at it until all of the lights dimmed around them, just as the music quieted from the bar area.

“Hello, everyone.” Elaina smiled from the center of the stage, where she wore a bright red dress with black high heels to match her accessories of black diamond earrings, a black diamond bracelet, and a black diamond necklace. “The struggles of getting you all here tonight, I can’t explain. The dream of sharing Pacer Hill with the rest of the town was something that started with Georgie, my grandmother and an amazing woman that I will love for the rest of my life. There is nobody like her, but I always try to be like her. Sometimes, when I don’t know what to do in a situation, my mom has to slow me down and remind me to listen to my heart, because that is where they all are. All of the people that I have loved and lost along the way. Georgie, Darren Pacer, Jenna Hart…” She smiled as the pictures of the people she named flashed on a screen behind her and people quietly clapped for them as their faces appeared. “This includes people that I have lost who aren’t dead, but have left me feeling like they’re a million miles away, whether it is my fault or their own. We all have those scars, right? Scars of people we love who left us for one reason or another. In my case some of them are actual scars, because I didn’t know how to deal with that pain. I would love to tell you that my inspiration for this place came from something beautiful, but it was born out of a struggle.”

“How does she struggle?” Rae smiled as people clapped for her when she joined Elaina on the stage, sharing a small spotlight with her. “How would the Princess of Pacer Hill, the girl who has always had everything, struggle? She struggled with not knowing who she was because everyone had already predetermined a role for her. She struggled with knowing what love and life meant to her. She struggled with the idea of being who she is and not getting to be anyone she wanted to be, a gift that so many people in this room were born with as their own. Elaina and I are different. Not better, not worse. Our stories are just different, and together, we wanted to build something that was different from anywhere else that you would go. Our hearts are in these walls.”

Elaina wrapped her arm around Rae and kissed her cheek. “We hope you feel the love that we have for each other, as well. Rae and I were meant to be sisters. I know it. Something got mixed up along the way, and we became best friends instead. Best friends who conquered the world together. Best friends who brought this to life to invite the world inside our little corner of the world. I have heard from so many people that Pacer Hill is a place that people are dying to be.”

“Whether it’s the big houses, the cars, or the beautiful people.” Rae laughed at herself. “People are fascinated. My guess is because it’s a world you don’t know. A lifestyle that most only dream of…A lifestyle that can be yours whenever you feel the urge to wander up here and take a seat at our bar.”

“We’ve had our soft openings, our pressure tests, and we’ve made our introductions.”

“We have hired a crew of stunning people who you will find standing all around you tonight, each one of them trained to make your wildest dreams come true.” Rae winked at a middle aged woman sitting at a table in the center of the room. “Our menu is prepared by my father, who has studied under chefs in five different countries to master his art. You will be eating the food that Elaina and I grew up on when you are here.” Rae smiled as she pointed out her father. “That man is a dick, but he makes a killer duck.”

“A bar, a restaurant, a cool little hang out area in what still remains as Georgie’s library, and a variety of different rooms to stay in and get away for the night. For you, my loves, we have created our idea of a fairytale, that stretches all the way out onto the back patio. Walks through Stella’s Gardens and thunderstorms out on the front porch.”

“For now…” Rae reached her hand out for Eli as he joined her on the stage. “Those of you who are brave enough are asked to join us for a dance before dinner.”

Cassidy watched as a tall man with tattoos visible on his neck and his forearms joined Elaina on the stage, instead of her own brother, Chase.

As “In the Name of Love” played, Cassidy looked around for Chase in confusion. The confusion faded as she watched the way that Elaina seemed to fit with this new man, and as she walked closer to the stage, she knew why. 

She was dancing with Thaden Lake.

Just the way he looked her in the eye like there was nobody else in the room would’ve been enough to capture any woman’s attention, but he moved with her, like they danced the same dance, just waiting on one another, their whole lives. She dropped her hips down and he grabbed hold of her, pulling her closer to him each time.

Cassidy was sure that she couldn’t have been the only one to notice the way their lips just barely touched at the end of the song.

“Okay.” Rae laughed, throwing Elaina a side-eye as she took hold of the microphone. “Now that we’ve had our fun, the music is going to keep playing, the drinks are going to start pouring, and the food will be served. Thank you all for coming out to the grand opening, and what we hope to be an amazing journey here at Georgie’s Suites.”

“What?” Elaina asked Rae after she slapped her in the behind and gave her a dirty look, as Cassidy walked up onto the stage. 

“What was that?” Rae shouted at her. “Is Chase not working the bar tonight?”

“Chase is obviously working the bar tonight,” Elaina answered her. “We’re just going through a thing.”

“Is it still the problem with his ex?” Cassidy asked.

“Oh my god, Cass!” Elaina pulled her into a tight hug, before looking her in her eyes. “It’s many things. And for everyone’s information, Thaden is my best friend. Everyone always accuses us of having something going on because we are so close. In fact, Chase is the first to throw those accusations, but you know what? There is nothing between us. Nothing. How could there be when I live here and Thaden lives in Arizona? And, why do I have to explain myself all of the time? Rae, you know that if Chase and I were committed I wouldn’t have pulled Thaden up here to dance. You know me.”

“Sometimes,” Rae answered. “Sometimes I know you, and other times you are just full of surprises.”

“Do we have to do this right now?” Elaina asked her.

“Uh-oh. I’m sensing trouble in paradise,” Cassidy sang as she stood between the pair of ladies. “Whatever is going on between you and Chase doesn’t matter. I am proud of you. You did something amazing, Elaina, and I can’t wait to see where you two ladies take off to from here. Thank you for inviting me.”

“You will always be invited.” Elaina smiled at Cass as she played with her necklace.

Cassidy went back to her seat, watching Elaina as she walked through the crowd, shaking hands and giving hugs with that stunning smile on her face. 

“I’m going to go to the bar,” she told King. “Do you want anything?”

“Just a beer.” He smiled at her, squeezing her hand. “You know what I like.”

As Cassidy made it up to the bar she took a seat a few stools away from Elaina where she could just overhear her conversation with Chase through the buzz in the room.

“You’re going to get up here and dance with him like that as if you didn’t just tell me you would try to make things work with me, Elaina?”

“I don’t know, Chase. Are you going to keep telling me that those pills I found in my car aren’t yours? The one fucking promise you made me was to not keep going to pick shit up for your mom. Not only did you break that promise, but you did it with my vehicle while you were supposed to be running to the grocery store for me.”

“Hey. You don’t get to fucking run me. Being with me doesn’t mean that you get to tell me what I can do.”

“Both ways.” Elaina slammed her hand down on the counter as she glared at him. “If I can’t respectfully tell you that what you’re doing with your mom is wrong, then you don’t get to control how I behave with my best friend who was here before you and will still be here after you. If I can’t get you to stop going at it with your ex over a dog, then you don’t get to worry about me trying to protect my ex’s new girlfriend, and a very sweet friend of my own, from his bullshit.”

“You…You are going to get yourself killed,” he hissed at her.

“Mmm.” Elaina smiled at him. “Because meeting drug dealers at one in the morning is so safe, isn’t it, babe?”

“What are we doing?” Chase asked as he gave her a serious look. “Honestly, can you make our relationship make sense to me? Because we’re either fighting or fucking, Elaina, and I’m not enjoying it anymore.”

She let out a hysterical laugh that made people turn their heads in her direction. “Oh, I’m having the time of my life. Because, I’m on the other side, Chase. You need me for everything. I don’t need anyone for anything.”

“That has to be really lonely.”

She raised her drink to him. “That’s why we have alcohol, isn’t it? Drink enough and nothing bothers you.”

“There it is. Your problem, the problem you’re afraid to face.”

“I’m not afraid to face it. I just don’t have to. Look around. Whether I have six drinks tonight, or a dozen, I still have everything. I have everything, with or without you. Get in line or just get the fuck out of my life.”

“I love you.” He gave her a serious look. “I told you I loved you and I meant it.”

“People always say they love me. They would be crazy if they didn’t. What I learned is to not fall for it until they prove it. You haven’t proved it. You just proved to me that you’re great at leaving and coming back to me when it suits you.”

“Fuck.” Chase threw a wet rag down on the counter and laced his fingers behind his head as he watched Elaina walk away.

Bartenders scurried around him to provide drinks for customers, as he stood still as a statue, with Cassidy watching him.

“What do you want?” he asked his sister, as he looked at her and came out of his trance.

“A can of that seltzer and whatever you have on tap. I also want to know why you’ve lost your damn mind and managed to fuck things up with that woman. If all she wants is for you to cut contact with Ashton and to stop helping Mom, you should have ob o it.”

“If I don’t help Mom, she will try to do it herself and walk right into a death trap.“

“You’re not saving her!” Cassidy exclaimed with a look of disbelief on her face. “Listen, Mom got to where she is all by herself. And honestly, I will take care of Ashton for you if that’s what you want. But, if you love this girl, you need to listen to her.”

“I cannot love somebody who doesn’t want me to love her.” Chase nodded towards the dining room where Elaina had Thaden Lake locked in an embrace. “I’m afraid she’s taken and she doesn’t even know it. I am trying to phase things out with her without losing my job. It’s a cake walk. I will be able to afford the life I want if I keep working here, so I can’t piss off the chick who owns the place. That’s all I want. I also want to not be made out as the bad guy, because there is more to this story. I am trying to keep Elaina from ruining herself.”

Cassidy gave him a serious look. “If she’s on a path to self-destruction, you can’t save her, either. I just can’t believe that a twenty-one year old girl who has done all of this is as bad off as you claim.”

“She only sleeps when she drinks.” Chase gave his sister a wide-eyed nod. “If she doesn’t drink she stays up all night wandering around her house. She eats, but just enough. She breaks down over nothing. She thought that this place would fix everything. She thought that this place would get her mom off of her back and give her room to breathe, but she’s deeper than ever and that girl is drowning. Everyone close to her is just too blind to see it because she puts on a good show, but you can’t hide the truth from somebody who sleeps in the same bed as you. You can’t have the man who sees you naked convinced that the perfectly straight lines on your thighs are from a cat that you don’t even fucking own. She is not okay. I am telling you right now that if she doesn’t figure something out quickly, you are watching the horrific ending of one of the most promising women that Pepper’s Ferry has ever seen, and it’s all because Elaina is fighting a war against herself.”

“It sounds like you’re telling me the story of two messed up people who could have a beautiful life together, if they’d just figure out how to love themselves so that they could love each other. And that is a tragedy, brother.”

•••

Nicole Pacer grew up on Pacer Hill, but she never felt like she belonged until she grew close to Elaina. Besides the Hart family, who adopted her after her father was convicted of murdering her mother and had enough decency to sign away his parental rights, Elaina was the first one to really embrace her, and make her feel like Pacer Hill was her home.

Even after marrying Emmet Pacer, the oldest of the Pacer siblings from the hill, and having her daughter, there were moments when Nicole felt she was living somebody else’s life. That feeling seemed to completely dissolve when Elaina entered a room, though. Elaina’s confidence and strength rubbed off on her whenever they were around each other, and Nicole felt like she could kick down a door if the moment called for it.

The morning of the baby shower, Elaina entered Georgie’s with Thaden by her side. They both had coffees in their hands as she laughed at something he said and pushed the man sideways.

“Hey you two,” Amy said, smiling at the sight of them together.

Everyone smiled at the sight of them together.

“Hey Mama Amy,” Thaden said, giving her a wave. “Sorry we are late. It’s my fault. I made her go eat breakfast with me.”

Elaina looked over her shoulder towards the first floor manager’s office, and looked back to her mom. “So, what are we doing?” she asked.

“Just getting the place decorated for Rae and Eli. We can get finished up here and have a break before we have to come back for the party.”

Elaina nodded, walking through the room as she said, “We need to organize all of these tables into a half circle so that everyone can see Rae open her gifts. The gift table should be up on the stage because it’s going to look better for pictures. I have a ‘Welcome Baby Elias’ sign being delivered any time now that we can hang up on the stage. And, I am going to get the sound system cued up with some fun songs, too. Thay, can you start folding up all of the black table cloths? The aqua colored ones in the back room can go out instead. Sylvie and her team should be here any second to start helping. I’ll be in my office for a second.”

“Hey, babe.” Nicole caught Elaina on the grand staircase as she walked up to the offices. 

“Mmm.” Elaina nodded up the steps as she continued walking.

“What’s wrong?” Nicole asked, once they finally made it into her office suite.

“Chase. We were drinking up at the Merlin House and we got into it last night. Ashton called his phone and I flipped out on him. Now, he’s not here to set up the bar for the guys coming to the diaper party, and I know that if he intended to mend things with me, he would be here. He would show up. He should just show up. I want him to show up, because he always does. He always shows up and if he doesn’t it just means that I really fucked up my first chance at loving somebody since Oliver.”

“If you were meant to be with him, it wouldn’t be so easy to fuck up.” Nicole sat down on the couch in Elaina’s office and stretched out her legs. “Your brother and I used to have huge fights. I would get so mad at him for turning down sex. Pissed at a level I can’t explain. It would just put me in the mood to slam doors, cupboards, everything. One time I messed up and I broke this picture frame that had a picture of him fishing with your dad when he was a little boy. He got so mad he opened his mouth and the words wouldn’t come out. I didn’t get it. It’s not like I ripped up the picture, you know. He calmed himself down and told me that the picture frame had sat on your dad’s desk at his work for twenty years, and I broke it in a fit I couldn’t explain to him. I felt so bad that I broke down and cried. I asked him not to leave me. If there is any reason to walk out on a newer relationship, that’s a great reason. One of the best. You have a woman who can’t control herself when she gets turned down…And she breaks something that’s so meaningful. I can’t say I would’ve stayed if the tables were turned, but he did. He did, and look at where we are now. These days I’m the one turning him down, and he has yet to throw a fit, although it would be rightfully earned.”

“Is there a point to this story other than some weird flex that you used to be super horny for my older brother?”

Nicole let out a snort as she clapped her hands together. “The point is that the right person loves you for your good and for your bad. If Chase can’t figure out how to love the worst bits of you, then he has no entitlement to the best of you.”

“There is no best of me, Nick. Not right now.” Elaina’s expression became overwhelmed with frustration. “I am having a difficult season. I don’t know if it’s brought out by the alcohol or the fact that I can’t sleep, but I am not okay and Chase is getting a horrible version of me that I don’t even recognize. I can put on the face when I am here. I can make myself show up for family dinners and smile for pictures. I put in all of the work because I am waiting for the moment when I feel good enough. I am fucking broken, for no reason. Other than, I guess, the fucking gardener being out bringing up memories that I don’t want.”

“The gardener?” Nicole asked. “Are you talking about my father?”

“Damn it,” Elaina whispered. “So, I have to explain something that almost nobody knows. Your dad raped me when I was young. It’s why he lost his job here. I told my mom and she covered the whole thing up, and god I have worked so hard to keep that from you that it feels like a million pounds was just lifted off of my shoulders.” She let out a sigh of relief, as she focused on her fingernails. 

“Laney,” Nicole whispered with a look of horror on her face.

“I know. I’m sorry. I am so sorry. As if the man hasn’t done enough, now you have to hear this? I get it. I get it if you want to walk out of here and never talk to me again. But, I also know that I love you with my whole heart, Nick. I love you, Thaden, and Robby so fucking much…But, I can’t keep this as my dirty little secret anymore. It’s eating me alive.”

“He’s a monster.” Nicole stared at Elaina with a blank look on her face. “My father is just a fucking monster. He should be dead. He should’ve been the one that died. He is so fucking sick…And he scared us all into silence so that we would never say anything. Do you know how much power you have to have to silence three little girls? Who knows how many others there are.”

“What do you mean three little girls?”

“He did it to me. I told my mother and that’s the reason I was staying at my friend’s house the night that he killed her. She was going to confront him. And Jenna? Goodness, he fucked her up so bad that she actually blocked it all out, until she didn’t. Until she couldn’t. He started writing her letters and it came flooding right back to her. It’s all in her diary. Rae read it to me that night I found her destroying her room at the Merlin House. It is the reason Jenna is dead. She is another one of his victims, except she’ll never get to see any justice.”

“This is overwhelming,” Elaina whispered, her hand shaking as she took a sip of her coffee and tears slid down her cheeks. “I don’t know if I should be pissed off, heartbroken, or relieved that I don’t have to be alone in this.”

“You were never alone,” Nicole promised. “You are never alone, Elaina Pacer.”

“Mmm.” Elaina forced a smile at her. “I think that’s part of the problem. I am never alone but there is hardly ever a person who really wants to hear what I say. I’m too loud. I take up too much space. It’s so much easier to push me back into a corner and pretend like I never said what I said. I’ve told my mom a million times I need her to back off of me, and every time I say it, she just goes into this gushing fit about how proud she is of me, and how I can do whatever I want. What happens when I really do what I want, Nick?”

“What do you want?”

“Mmm.” Elaina smiled at her. “Even I am too terrified to say that out loud, because if I don’t get it, I’ll be crushed.”

“So, if you could do something right now to get you closer to what you want, what would you do, Elaina?”

She smiled at Nicole. “Rebuild my backbone that people have spent years breaking down. It starts there. That’s why I’m spending thousands of dollars in therapy every month. If only I could stop undoing it with the alcohol, right? I am my own worst nightmare.”

“So, get out of your way, babe. Get out of your way and tell him you love him. You don’t know how to love anyone else because it has always been him, and we both know that’s the truth.”

“Fuck!” Elaina exclaimed with a growl in her gravelly voice.

“Nothing worth doing is easy.”

“Stop with your inspirational quotes on posters hanging on school walls. They never did a thing for anyone.”

Nicole laughed as Elaina paced across the room.

“I need to get the playlist done for the shower.”

“Okay,” Nicole agreed with a nod. “Do you want me to send Thaden up here?”

Elaina laughed at her, before a scowl formed on her pretty face. “Please don’t turn into another person telling me what I should be doing. You’ve never done that to me, and I already have enough of that in my life.”

“Except, I’m telling you what you want. You just won’t admit it.” Nicole walked out and closed the door behind her before heading back downstairs.

She stopped at the bottom to see Chase hard at work behind the bar, getting everything set up for the party that evening. She looked at Thaden, watching him flirt with a member of Sylvie’s team. She sunk down into the staircase, because she knew she was looking at a fire waiting to ignite.

Written by Ava McClure

The RPH Fiction is a series of posts giving you a deep dive into what will become one grand story. Posts are made once a week, sometimes more often, but never less.

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A huge thank you to anyone who is following along. Every one of you are a stepping stone to accomplishing my goal. Email me at alwaysbemygirl2021@gmail.com with any of your thoughts.

Elaina Pacer always felt like she belonged to everyone else. Her time, her energy, her money…Before she ever had the chance to decide what she wanted to do tomorrow or what dress she wanted to wear to an event, somebody had it planned out for her. Sometimes, just waking up felt like a nightmare, because there was no opportunity to love herself. Whenever she did choose a restaurant or a bar to hangout at for the evening, it felt like most people only showed up because she was paying.

But, the Merlin House was hers.

Elaina painted every room the color that she chose, and she made sure that there was no television. Elaina hated TVs. Where most people would put one in the center of the living room, she put the control tower for her sound system. Music was her joy, and there was always music playing at the Merlin House.

She had her own office to fill with her art. Her art, the one thing that had always belonged to just her, filled a room in the house that was just hers.

Out of everything that Georgie left her—and she really did leave her everything—the Merlin house was her greatest treasure, a safe haven, a quiet place to lay her head down and enjoy the lyrics of her favorite song.

The Merlin House was the place where Elaina would learn how to love herself. Perhaps, for the first time in her young life.

I have some big changes going on in my personal life. So, while I am focused on this, and with it being the holiday weekend I didn’t get a lot of work done on the Real Pacer Hill. Instead I am posting an unedited chapter of Facing Fire, a novel that will be available for my patrons by next year. I hope you enjoy!

Chapter Four.

“An emergency meeting?” Brittany asked as she entered Wedding Planner Manor and found all of us sitting around one of the tables we used to interview new couples. “Is this about you fainting at the wake? Because I think we all understand.”

“I took pain pills on an empty stomach and then added a bunch of alcohol to it.” I shook my head. “Lesson learned. But, we are not here about that, today. I called you all here because I’m leaving town.”

I started passing envelopes to each of my employees, and they looked back at me with curious eyes.

“I need help. I have realized I can only take on so much before I start sinking. And, as it turns out, I took on way too much here lately. So, I found a therapist and I’m going to go away for a while, to work on myself.”

“Holy hell, Natalie,” Tyler whispered as he opened his envelope. “What is this?”

“This is a bonus. This is me asking you all to hang on with me as I pile all of this extra work on top of you.” I gave him a weak smile. “I want to be enough for everyone in my life. Right now I feel like I can’t do that.”

“Don’t worry about the Manor. We got it. We got you,” Brittany said with a smile, as she squeezed my hand. “You get out of here and do what you need to do.”

“Are you maybe pushing me out because you don’t want to be called out?” I asked, as I raised an eyebrow at her. 

“Is this about the Austin thing? Because I need you to know that he told me he wasn’t with Lily anymore.”

“Is that supposed to make it better?” I snorted at her. “Girl code, Britt. Even if your friend isn’t with her ex, you never touch him. He’s off limits, especially when his ex is your boss’ best friend.”

“Well, it takes two to tango,” Lindsey pointed out.

“Mm, you would know since I hear you’ve been hanging out with Chris Schultz since Jana broke it off with him.” I gave her wide eyes, and her cheeks turned red. “Anyway, the point is that I trust you all, I love you all and I need you all.”

“And you got us,” Tyler promised as he gave me a wink. “Go fix yourself, girl. And hurry back when you’re ready,”

Everything was almost perfect.

I just had one more thing that needed to be done before I got on the plane and disappeared to South Carolina for my emotional rehab.

Elaina Pacer agreed to meet me at Coffee Break, though she seemed anxious about it, as if she were worried that I was going to pick a fight with her over Oliver. 

She sat in the corner booth that I had claimed as my own, staring at her laptop as her fingers worked to type an email.

“What’s up?” she asked, as I joined her. She had a large iced coffee in front of her, and her best friend sat at the closest table to us, as if she were backup in case anything went wrong.

“We’ve worked together for a couple of years now-“

“And I don’t want that to change.” Elaina was quick to interrupt me. “Oliver said that you two had bad blood and I don’t want whatever happened between you two to get between us.”

“We’re professional acquaintances, Elaina. You can have a relationship with Oliver if you want. That has nothing to do with me using the hotel for wedding venues.”

Elaina looked relieved. “So, you’re not here to yell at me? Because, I really hate pissing people off and the second he told me that you two used to be a thing I was terrified you would be mad.”

“No, I’m not mad, but woman to woman I’m here to give you a warning about Oliver. Loving him came with a price, and I don’t want you to end up losing what I lost. You don’t have to listen to me or believe me. I’m sure you’ll leave here and call him just to be told a story about how I’m a liar. Maybe, he’s already tried to tell you that. All I can say is that I wish somebody had given me a warning first, and even if you don’t listen, I owe this to myself. I want to walk away from here knowing that I did the right thing.”

“Are you talking about the night of your engagement party?”

I opened my mouth to speak, but at a loss for words I just nodded my head.

“He said he caught you cheating and lost his mind.”

“That is the narrative he created.” I accepted my green tea from Eden with a smile. “At least he can own up to the part where he lost his mind. That’s progress.”

“Were you not cheating?” she asked.

“I was with Tyler Ross, my assistant. He was helping me make plans for our wedding. Oliver walked in, and he didn’t look right. I tried to talk to him, and he just kept staring at me. That’s when all hell broke loose. He started throwing our plates at me, and I went running through the house to get away from him. And that’s just the start. He was threatening to kill me by the time the night was over, and I spent months dealing with him stalking me, until he met you. I should really be thanking you. I should be overjoyed that he found somebody new and he’s not my problem anymore, but I can’t just look the other way and allow somebody else to be hurt without at least telling you the truth. And, that’s all I came here for. I have places to be. And I’m not going to sit here and pressure you to leave him because that’s not my place. You’ll do what you will with this information, and my conscience is clear. And now, it’s time for me to hop on a plane and get my mind clear.”

I stood up, giving Rhiannon Hart a nod as she studied me with a concerned expression on her face. I wasn’t sure that Elaina heard me, but I could tell that her best friend was receptive of my warning.

Walking out of Coffee Break, I felt a weight lift off of my shoulder. I hopped into my car, and alone, I headed to the Roy County Airport.

For the first time in a long time, I remembered how to enjoy my own company. I felt safe with myself. I felt content and I hoped that by the time I made it back home, I would remember how to love myself. 

“Hello?” Lily answered. 

“I just wanted to let you know that I’m at the airport, now. Once I get on the plane I’m going dark.”

“Natalie, I’m worried about you. I don’t like this plan. I hate the whole thing. You should have let me come with you or something.”

“I’m going to be alright,” I promised. “Hopefully better than alright. I just want to know you’ll be okay. You’re going to get up and go grocery shopping and do all of the things to take care of yourself, right? Just promise me that you’re not going to sit in the house falling apart over Austin.”

“I won’t,” she answered, with a little sniffle. “Don’t forget you’re mine, Natalie.”

“And, you’re mine,” I answered with a smile. “I’ll be in touch soon.”

Landing a meeting with Brooke Lawson from Touch of Gold magazine was the first item on my agenda after I checked into my hotel room in North Carolina. I went straight to her office, which was filled with journalists busy typing and talking over one another with their various ideas. The receptionist didn’t seem too impressed at the sight of me, as I was still in leggings and a baggy t-shirt that I wore on the plane. My hair was tied back in a knot on my head, and if I looked as exhausted as I felt, I couldn’t blame her for judging me.

“Can I help you?” she sneered.

“I’m here to meet Brooke,” I said. “Just tell her it’s Natalie Mascinick.”

“She doesn’t have you on the books for a meeting today,” the woman said, with a snap of her chewing gum.

“Tell her I am here,” I ordered, my expression turning severe as I glared at her.

The woman turned her back to me and picked up her phone. She hissed into the receiver like a pissed off snake, but when she turned back to me she wore a smile on her face.

“I’m sorry for that misunderstanding, Natalie. I didn’t realize that I was looking at wedding royalty.”

“Thank you,” I snapped, as she pointed me towards a closed door that said Brooke’s name. “If you have any iced coffee, I’ll take some. The biggest size you have with extra vanilla, please.”

“You got it.” The woman gave me a smile. “Anything else?”

“A grilled chicken honey mustard wrap would be everything right now.” I gave her a wink before closing the door of Brooke’s office behind me.

“Girl!” she sang, snapping her fingers above her head. “What are you doing here?”

“I have a thing. A big thing and I’m going to give it to you to type up for your magazine.” I took a seat on her couch, lying my head back. “I may need to squeeze in a power nap, first.”

“What is the big thing?”

“A domestic violence survivor telling her story and opening up a non-profit to support other domestic violence survivors.” I sat up with a smile on my face. “How is that for your ‘awareness’ column?”

“That’s a big thing.” Brooke stood up, with that gentle look on her face. She took a seat on the edge of the couch as she studied me with her big blue eyes. “A huge thing. And, I am thrilled that you’re coming to me to do it, but I want you to be sure about what you’re walking into. There are people who will empathize with your story, there are people who will blame you and there are even people who will try to hold it against you. No matter how much good you do, somebody is always going to try to drag you down. When you go public, you’re setting yourself up for all of this. If you weren’t an old friend of mine, I wouldn’t even bother telling you this because you’re sitting on gold. But, I am invested in you, Natalie. I don’t want to see you go through anymore bullshit at the hands of that man.”

“You knew, didn’t you? When you sat me down to do that article about Mariah and Jackson’s wedding, you knew.”

“Of course I knew.” Brooke smiled though I could see her eyes watering. “It takes one to know one, and I’ve been on the receiving end of that bullshit. I’ve been laid out on my bathroom floor wanting to die because some fucking man with nothing going for him made me believe that I wasn’t enough. More people go through it than we know, and more abusers get away with it because their victims are either too ashamed or scared to speak about it. What you want to do could make a difference for so many people, and the selfish part of me is ready to start typing right now. But, every ounce of good creates a pound of bad, and I want you to consider that.”

“Well, I guess I’ll have to make so much good that the bad can’t keep up, won’t I?”

She smiled at me. “I guess if we’re going to do this, we need to make it huge. I’ll have to get writers to work with us, and see if I can find some more victims willing to make some noise. How much time do you have?”

I pictured Cole sitting at home, waiting on me to come back. For a second, my heart hurt for him, but I went to South Carolina with a mission. I had healing to do and a story to tell.

“As much time as it takes,” I answered.

“Okay,” Brooke said with a nod. “We are going to do this. Let’s go eat dinner and talk. What do you think?”

Reliving my trauma with Brooke became my therapy. Telling her about the fight that Oliver started over a text from one of my clients, and ended by pushing me down a staircase in a rage, or how he constantly threatened to light the house on fire with me inside of it whenever I did something he didn’t like, made it easier to breathe. Reliving the night that he kicked me out of his car on the side of the road because I pointed out the house that my sixth grade boyfriend lived in, or rehashing how he regularly called me names when he wasn’t getting his way from me, or even forced himself on me in the bedroom if I tried to deny him sex, made it easier for me to sleep at night. Once she had completed my story, I felt whole, and I was able to sit with Brooke while she interviewed other domestic abuse survivors, allowing them to tell their stories right alongside me. My piece would grab people’s attentions, but it was their stories that would help impact change. 

Brooke came up with the idea that after the magazine went live and hit stands the next day, I should post a video to Touch of Gold’s social media accounts to announce my plans to open She Speaks. She brought in a whole team to do my hair and makeup, and while they worked, I stayed focused on my phone. I finally turned it on to invite Cole to spend my last few days in South Carolina with me. I sent him his ticket information and the hotel information, but he never answered me, and that was the night before I was set to record this video. 

“Are you okay?” Brooke asked, when she took a break from her own work to come sit with me. “I’ve been told that you seem distracted.”

“Just waiting on a guy,” I answered. “Hoping that he didn’t forget me.”

“Have you looked at yourself in a while, sweetie?” Liam, her makeup artist, asked me. “Who the hell is gonna forget you?”

“And, even if this man is stupid enough to let you go, there will be another. There is always another.”

“Except this one, I have loved since I was fourteen. And, I think you only get one of those,” I said with a nod. “So, hopefully he just forgot how to answer a text and he shows up, because if not I get to mend another broken heart.”

“Or you could always try with Shade.” Brooke nodded to a muscular man standing up at his desk as he smiled in our direction. “He’s a major flirt and has never taken a relationship seriously in his life, but the man is terrific in bed. I’ve used him to mend a few heartbreaks.”

I let out a scream laugh before I could slap my hand over my mouth. “Brooke!” I gushed.

She raised her eyebrows at me. “Hot, isn’t he? I’m just saying, I saw you looking.”

By the time I completed recording the video, Cole still hadn’t answered my texts. I said a tearful goodbye to Brooke before walking out of the Touch of Gold office building, heading off to what I felt sure would be a weekend alone.

Fighting off heavy disappointment, I walked through the hotel and stepped onto the elevators where a weird man in a white tank top and a pair of black athletic shoes, with expensive tennis shoes, kept raising his eyebrows at me.

“What the fuck?” I whispered, shoving past him when the elevator reached my floor. 

I walked into my suite and slammed the door closed behind me. Spinning around to throw my purse onto the bed, I almost hit Cole right in the face.

“Cole?” I whispered, as he reached out for my hand and pulled me into a hug. “You’re here?” 

“A really nice friend of yours named Brooke messaged me and told me that I should be here. She gave me the information on your hotel and helped me get in here.” He smiled, as I fell onto the bed and pulled him down with me. “She must have some great connections, because they were ready to carry me out of here until she called.”

“She’s Brooke Hawthorne. She’s the creator of Touch of Gold and I just spent a long while pouring my heart out to her about everything. And, I have never felt better.”

He gave me a playful smile as he asked, “Then why are you crying?”

“Because you showed up.” I pressed my hand against his cheek. “I have become so used to people letting me down that I forgot what a relief it is when someone shows up. You have no reason to be here. I didn’t leave you with anything to hold onto, and yet you still came through for me.”

He smiled. “That’s love, isn’t it?”

“Is that what this is?” I whispered, before pressing my lips to his. 

“I have never been more sure of anything than I am of how much I love you, Natalie.”

Rae

Trigger warnings: mentions of suicide, sexual abuse, abuse of a child

I smiled as I walked down the grand staircase of Georgie’s to see Eli sitting at a table by the bar, looking up at me with awe in his eyes. It was a rare sight to see him wearing anything more than shorts in the summer heat, but he even had on a button up shirt and a pair of jeans that looked like he pulled them right off of the rack out of a store. Instead of his typical hat hair, he styled his curls with gel after getting a fresh cut.

“Baby, what are you doing here?” I asked, as he stood up to reach out for my hand. 

“I’ve just been waiting on you,” he said, as he pulled out a chair for me. 

“You should’ve come up to my office. I was making calls to all of our new hires to let them know about the meeting on Monday, and finalizing reservations for all of our pressure tests. I didn’t want to have to spend any time here tomorrow when I committed to helping Elaina cook up family dinner. I was nervous about the suites. She was being so particular, Eli. I was ready to lock her in a closet.”

He looked over my shoulder with an amused smile on his face. I turned to see what was there, and spotted my father pacing around and growling into his phone.

“I feel sorry for his employees,” he said, nodding towards the man with a fuse about as short as he stood. 

“Tell me about it. I have a feeling we will have to develop an HR department because of Paul Hart.” I fiddled with my earring. “I’m so hungry that I smell Chicken Parmesan.”

“Hey Sweets.” He raised his eyebrow at me.

“What babe?” I looked up from my phone after seeing that my sister was calling me.

“Ignore that.” He grabbed hold of my hand. “You know how bad I am with words, right?”

I smiled, resting my chin on my fist as I began to pick up on his nerves. “What are you doing right now?”

He stood up, still holding my hand as he said, “ I hate to talk to everyone but you. I stay as quiet as possible, until you’re next to me. I want to tell you everything. I know that I can tell you anything, because even on my worst days, you have always shown me your love is the strongest thing in my life.”

“It’s so strong,” I whispered to him, feeling tears in my eyes as he dropped to one knee in front of me.

“And so, everyday, I try to be everything for you. People ask me things all of the time, like why I work so much when I don’t have to, or why I’m building a house when I could just buy one. I work hard so I never have to tell you no, so that you can have everything. I built the house, because I wanted it to be where you wanted it, I wanted it to have everything that you wanted, right down to the correct sink faucet, and I wanted it to be the place that made you stay with me forever. Rhiannon Paula Hart, will you marry me?”

“Elijah,” I whispered, pressing my right hand to my mouth. “Of course. What do you mean? I thought I was going to have to plate my cookie in gold to get you to ask. Baby!” I screeched, pulling him into a tight hug and pressing my lips to his. 

He smiled at me as music began to play, and the sound of applause came from the ballroom. I turned around to see my three older sisters standing with Nicole, Emmet, Eden, Elaina, and Emma. Paul and Stella stood, embracing one another with smiles on their faces. Lee and Justin stood with Chase…and Thaden?

“Did I miss it?” Shayna Shay asked as she came running through the door. She looked at Eli and me with disappointment. “Fuck, I totally missed it.”

“But, hey!” I held up my ring. “I said yes.”

She clapped her hands together before pulling me into a tight hug.

“Congratulations, friend.”

“We’re going to be official sisters,” Elaina said as she waited her turn to hug me. “It’s about goddamn time that mistake was corrected.”

I smiled at her and everyone else who approached me to congratulate me. Sylvie started setting every seat in the bar area for a dinner to celebrate the engagement. Everyone talked and laughed, but I blanked out for a moment as I stared straight ahead of me towards the windows that overlooked the Hart Family Mansion.

Jenna should’ve been there.

I spent so much time thinking about her, and how she would react to knowing I was having a baby. My older sisters that were around me were so excited, but Jenna would’ve been the one to show up with flowers, cards, fresh bowls of fruit, and so much love. She would’ve looked after me. She would’ve listened to me in a way that Penny, Olivia, and Taylor didn’t care for, and in a way that Elaina never had time for. She would’ve listened to every concern, every hope, and every pain without ever tiring of hearing about it. And to see me get engaged? She would’ve tripped all over herself, because as she always said, she loved love. But, instead of having that, I had the memory of how cold her hand was the last time that I touched her.

“Hey, sweets.” Eli caressed my hand, pulling me out of my thoughts. “Did you want lemonade?”

“No, just water please,” I said, as Elaina and Shayna took seats across from each other at our table.

“What about you?” Sylvie asked, running her fingers through a lock of Elaina’s curls.

“An Old Fashion.” Elaina didn’t even think about it, as she looked over her shoulder at the table where all of the guys sat.

“Have you and Chase worked things out?”

“Mmm.” Elaina gave Shayna a wide eyed look as their eyes met. “It depends on what you mean by that. Did we hook up at my place when nobody was around? Yes. Has he changed a damn thing that I had a problem with? No. He’s still hanging out with Ashton using Moose as an excuse, and leaving me to feel like I’m caught up in the middle of something that I never wanted to be a part of. He’s still running things for his mom. I actually had to bail him out last night.”

“You bailed him out?” I asked in astonishment. “Out of jail?”

“He tried to buy something from an undercover.”

“Laney, you need to get out of that shit.” Shayna gave her a glare. “I have seen how hard you worked and how far you came. You don’t want to get yourself caught up in that life again, bitch. What if he’s lying about picking it up for his mom? What if that shit is for him? What if his ex was right and you’re being used?”

“I just hired him to be the head of the bar staff.” She threw her arms out at her side. “What am I going to do? How in the fuck do you plan me to run a hotel with a double bar without somebody who has experience?”

“Jensen Williams is at Harbor Heights and he hates it. Ina Alder works at Jamestown and she hates it. Leah Parks is at Sheila’s and she would be terrific. If it’s bar experience that you need, I know everyone at every bar in Roy County and they’d fall all over themselves to work here.”

“I’m going to tell you all something I don’t ever say.” She sipped on her drink. “I love him, and I want to make it work. So, let’s drop this and celebrate the engagement that we are here to celebrate tonight.”

“Thank God.” I sighed with relief. “I’ve already put him through orientation and I really don’t want to go through it again.”

She smiled at me, before asking, “So, who is the maid of honor?”

“It’s between you and Pensacola.”

“That’s some bullshit,” Elaina snapped as I giggled at the expression on her face. “You’d have to kill me before I let that buck-toothed weirdo anywhere near your wedding.”

“You know she’s going to want to stay with us. That’s probably why she was calling me. When my mom told me that she was coming into town, I told her she absolutely could not stay at our house.”

“You’re not wrong,” Elaina said. “The way she clogged the toilet the last time she was there and then tried to lie about it, like it just magically happened. I was so pissed. I’m getting heated just thinking about it.”

“Laney, it’s ‘My Own Dance!’” Eden said as she ran up and grabbed her sister’s hand. “You have to dance with me. Please.”

“Okay.” Elaina grinned at her sister. “Let’s do it. Rae, are you going to join us?”

“Come on.” Eden clapped her hands together. “You know the dance.”

“Fine.” I sighed, as I stood up and the three of us found an open space at the bottom of the staircase.

“All the Right Moves” started playing as we went back to our seats, laughing and giggling together. I froze as Chase walked up and grabbed a hold of Elaina’s wrist while the rest of us took a seat.

“What do you want me to do about the way that he’s looking at me?” she snapped. 

“I want you to tell the fucking dude to leave.”

“Okay, well it’s my brother’s engagement party and that’s one of our oldest friends. He’s Nick’s fucking brother.”

“And the same asshole you’re video chatting all of the time? Elaina, do I look like a fucking idiot to you.”

“Hey.” Elaina shoved him backwards away from our table and towards the empty bar.

“What the fuck?” Eli whispered as he looked at me.

I shrugged as I reached for my fork to begin eating my favorite dinner of all time. “Thank you, baby. This really is the best night of my life.”

“Oh, you want to talk about my family not showing respect for you? That’s a fucking joke, Chase. Why don’t you ignore the texts from your mom the next time you’re making love to me? Or is it even your mom that’s hitting you up, huh? How do I know you’re not selling the shit yourself?”

“Are we done here?” Chase asked, grabbing her by the shoulder.

She pushed him backwards, and the two of them stared a long, awkward stare before Elaina turned to head to her table. 

“Are you good?” I asked her.

She forced a smile at me. “This isn’t about me, is it? This is your night. Eli made it for you and I’m going to enjoy it with you. Chase can go to hell.”

I smiled at her. “Thank you.”

“You’re my girl.” She gave me a wink, before she started digging into her plate.

I could hear my sister’s voice in my head as everything began to die down. She may have died, but she was always alive inside of there.

I’m okay. Just because I am going through things doesn’t mean that you spend every moment worrying about me. I’m your big sister, Rae. I’m the one who worries about you. 

“So, why did you go?” I whispered to myself as I walked out of the bathroom. 

•••

A gentle hand brought me out of my sleep. I woke up to see Eli leaning in to kiss my cheek. 

“Come on,” he whispered, pulling me up into his arms. 

A panic that I couldn’t justify ripped through me as I pressed my face into his shoulder.

“Hey.” He grabbed my chin. “Sweets, it was just a dream. Everything is fine. I’m waking you up so you can get ready for your ultrasound, yeah? And you have work after that. Your big meeting is today.”

I nodded my head at him. “Thank you.“

“What has you thinking about Jenna so much?”

“I always think about her.” I went into the bathroom and started undressing to get into the shower. “There’s not a second that I’m not thinking about her. It’s just harder to swallow right now, because I really want her to be here for everything.”

“I get that.” I could see him slipping into a pair of shorts through the bathroom mirror. “I’m always wondering what my dad would say about everything. It could go one of two ways. He’d either be really proud, or he would tell me I’m moving too fast. I do think he would love what I’m doing. I have a business, and now you have one. I’m helping build the house, and we’re getting married. I also think he would love how Elaina’s just taking her time with everything.”

“So…Are you sitting around wishing we had taken our time? Because I didn’t make you propose last night, but we have been together since we were fifteen so this does feel like the appropriate time—“

“Hey.” He popped into the bathroom and kissed my forehead. “I’m not second guessing anything. I just had a talk with my mom about some things and it got me thinking about my dad. A lot like you’re thinking about Jenna. Just wondering what it would be like if he could see me now.”

“Your dad was obsessed with you.” I grinned at him. “Even if you just spit out sunflower seeds at a baseball game he would start cheering like you’re the only kid who ever spit out sunflower seeds.”

“He was a big fan of mine,” Eli agreed. “I’m going to be the same way with this kid. Boy or girl, I’m won over.”

“So, you’re not secretly praying for a son?”

He shook his head. “I am secretly praying for my child and my lover to be healthy and happy when it’s that time. That’s all I want. For everything to be okay.”

We stepped quietly out of the bedroom to find Elaina asleep on the couch, a fan pointed at her, and a washcloth folded over her eyes, a sure fire sign that she was suffering a migraine from two weeks of pushing herself to be on the go with minimal breaks.

“I really hope she feels better by the time we have this meeting. I will puke if I have to do it by myself.”

“It’s just talking to a bunch of people that you’re paying. It’s a no-brainer. Everytime we get a new hire, I introduce myself by saying, ‘What’s up? I sign your check, dude. It’s a swag check, so do whatever I say and you get to keep getting it.’”

“Okay, but you’re just a bunch of dudes who hang out and build furniture all day. This is a hotel. It’s s little different.”

“Furniture, sheds, gazebos, and we have our specialty playgrounds for handicapable little heroes coming out. We are more than bed frames and dressers, thank you.”

“I didn’t mean to limit what you do. And, babe, that’s awesome. How come this is the first time I’m hearing about it?”

“Because, these things were a bitch to design, and I didn’t know if I could pull it off. I had to design a super safe pulley system for the kiddos who can’t walk, and I was ready to give up, but Thaden came in being all inspirational, talking about how if these kids are still trying to have a great time with the odds against them, who am I to give up over a rope? So, I went back to the drawing board.”

“How are you marketing them? Are they going to be expensive?”

He cringed. “Unless I can come up with a better source for materials, they’re up there.”

I bit at my fingernails. “What about a benefit dinner at Georgie’s? I can get some snobs together who like to look kind on paper and get the first five playgrounds to kids who need them free of charge.”

“Damn. You’re right.” He smiled. “And if we just mention it to Elaina she’ll probably pay for ten of them.”

“She does have a kind heart like that,” I agreed. “I want to see them. Maybe I will come down after the meeting.”

“Bet.” He gave me his best smile as he pulled onto Broadway. “For now, let’s get to this appointment and find out what we’re having.”

•••

I couldn’t stop smiling, even as Elaina pulled at her hair trying to find a replacement for Chase. After slamming her forehead into her desk a couple of times, she looked at me and asked, “What do we do? Do we just keep this fucking dude on board as the bar manager until he digs his own grave?”

“If he’s willing. We can’t fire him because you dumped him. That’s not legal.”

“He isn’t hired, is he?” she squealed at me. “Please tell me he isn’t actually hired.”

“He went through orientation and we’re paying him for it, so yeah. I think he’s hired.”

“Mmm.” She nodded her head at me, giving me a long, enraged stare, before she slapped her palm down on her desk. “You knew this as you were sitting there watching me call six people to find his replacement?”

I grinned at her as I pushed myself from side to side in a spinning chair. “I was hoping you would learn a lesson. Don’t mix business with pleasure.”

“Mmm. Well, you’re my best friend and I went into business with you, so maybe that was a mistake.”

“Maybe,” I said with a shrug. “So, my plan is to hire a co-manager. I have Robby lined up.”

“Robby Lake? Like your adopted brother, that Robby? I thought he owned Westlake with Corbin West.”

“He does.” I nodded at her. “He’s a co-owner, but he doesn’t take a lot of shifts there. Corbin does most of the heavy lifting and Robby hops in on busy nights to oversee things, but he’s trying to get up the funds to buy a house. He is totally on board with tackling this position full time, which is great because I don’t know that Chase will even show up.“

“So, this is what we’re doing?” She took a sip of her vanilla iced coffee from Coffee Break. “I’m making messes and you’re swooping in behind me to clean them up?”

“Isn’t that our whole life?”

She glared at me for a moment before she busted out laughing. “You’re right,” she wheezed. “Fuck, you’re right.”

I smiled as I walked out of the office. “I am walking to The Garden Place to get a smoothie before the meeting.”

“Could you not walk?” she asked, as she followed behind me. “Not alone. I’ll drive you if you want. It’s just with that creepy gardener hanging around, I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

“Why do you call him ‘the gardener’?” I asked, as we started down the grand staircase. “His name is Arthur, right?”

“I was a child when I interacted with him.” She pulled her keys out of her bag. “I got used to him just being the gardener. The man who used to pull me into the shed and make me take my clothes off.”

I stopped, still standing on the stairs as I stared at her. “What?”

“That is the reason I gave you that bag.”

“The emergency suicide kit?”

“After everything that happened with Oliver, the gardener and that man who got to me behind Georgie’s, that bag became my plan to get away if the bad things ever came walking through my front door. An exit strategy. I was going to kill myself before anything else could hurt me.”

“Laney,” I whimpered, holding my hand to my heart.

“I know. You’re probably pissed I didn’t tell you. Don’t be. I have never told anyone. Only Thaden, and I don’t know that he remembers. It was a drunk confession after one too many drinks at Nick and Emmet’s wedding.”

“Why did you never want to tell anyone?”

“Because, as a six year old who is told by your mother that you can’t say anything to anyone, you learn to stay quiet about it.” I nodded my head at her. “We just got into a fight about it a couple of days ago. Rocki told me that I should talk it all out with her, mostly because I was questioning whether or not what happened in the shed was real or made up in my head. The minute I mentioned it to my mom, her whole mood changed, and I felt like I had done something wrong, so I questioned her. Why was it ever so important that I keep it a secret? She said she didn’t want me to be known as the girl from Pacer Hill who got raped by the gardener. She said it would follow me around forever like a dark shadow and that she just hoped that I was young enough when it happened that I would forget. And I almost did. I didn’t even understand it until I was older and losing my virginity to Oliver. Except I wasn’t. I had already lost it without knowing it.”

“He actually raped you?” I clapped my hand over my mouth in disbelief. “You were just a baby, Laney. I can’t imagine how much that hurt.”

“Mmm. You remember the issue with me peeing my bed that didn’t stop until I was like thirteen? The one my mom shamed me for like it was a joke? She treated it so lightly because she didn’t want my dad to find out. I guess she was scared that he would kill Arthur. Talking to her made me regret not going to my dad. Maybe, Mo would still be alive and Nick would have a way better life. Maybe, I would’ve gone a few different directions if I didn’t grow up feeling like the bad thing that happened to me was all my fault. Who fucking knows. It is what it is, now, isn’t it?”

I grabbed her shoulders as we reached the bottom of the staircase. “It was never you.” She nodded her head at me. “You don’t need to carry around any of that weight. That man did that to you because he was a monster. Your mom asked you to stay quiet out of her own fears, from growing up in a world where you couldn’t talk about rape without getting outcasted. I would like to believe that she didn’t know better. And, Mo was murdered by that same monster who had no shame in what he did to you. She wouldn’t blame you. If anything she would cry for you if she knew what he was doing while he was supposed to be working to feed their children.”

“Hey.” She gave me a serious look. “You cannot mention this to anyone else. I have kept Nick from knowing this secret for long enough. If it comes out, now…She’s already suffered enough thanks to him.”

“That is so kind of you, but you were the victim. You don’t have to worry about other people’s reaction to your pain. It’s yours.”

“I am not a victim, Rae. I survived. And if we’re going to name the victims of his crime, Nick, Robby, and Thaden are all victims too. They’ll live most of their lives without their real moms love. They have Stella, and Thaden never stops talking about how amazing your mom and dad have been to him as their adoptive parents, but could you imagine losing your mom after knowing her love for almost nine years? It’s too much to take.”

Her words broke my heart. I turned away so she couldn’t see the pained expression on my face, and headed for the front doors.

“Hey, what did I say?”

She knew me too well.

“Rae?” She ran up to me and grabbed my shoulder.

“I’m a childhood cancer survivor. I go in for scans every six months to make sure I’m still cancer free.” I shrugged at her. “So, when you said that, I just pictured my little boy reaching up for my hand, and it not being there.”

“No.” She pinched my cheek. “No way. That’s not going to happen.”

“I hope not.” I forced a half smile. “But, Elaina? I am absolutely terrified.”

“Oh, sweet cheeks, we all are.” She laughed at the thought. “Nobody ever knows if they’re really doing the right thing, but I’ll be damned if we aren’t all doing our best.”

“Click, click, boom.” I held my hand out for a fist boom.

“Pull the trigger, boom-boom.”

I smiled. “That was the most insensitive cheer.”

“I don’t know. Dad really hated, ‘touchdown, watch me hit the ground.’”

“How were we never cancelled?” I giggled.

“Because I won the PSACC four years in a row with my stunts. The only cancelling they could do was automatically passing me through each grade so that I made it to graduation day.” She froze as she sat in the driver’s seat. “Do you think they did that? Rae, I was so bad at math I used to cry for hours at the kitchen table. So how did I all of a sudden start acing senior math?”

“That is the same year you became a heavy smoker,” I pointed out. “Maybe it was the weed.”

“Yes, girl.” She smacked her palm on my knee. “MJ comes through for another win!”

“Are you having the time of your life?” I asked as she sped down the hill, hardly looking at the road as she fidgeted with her radio controls.

She smiled, locks of her curls falling in front of her face, and her peach lip gloss catching flecks of the sun. “I am the best I’ve ever been.”

•••

We were on our third pressure test for our staff, with a packed Friday night. Every reservation was filled, all of the staff showed up, the bars were open, the music was playing, candles were burning, and I couldn’t outrun this overwhelming feeling of impending doom. 

“How are you?” Amy asked, holding onto my arm as I stood at the table where she sat with Emmet, Nicole, and Baby Emma.

I stared at a table where two younger women sat, noticing that they were staring at Elaina as she made her rounds to talk to the guests.

“I am fine,” I answered.

“Don’t spend too much time up on your feet,” Nicole warned me. “Whenever I did I had to go home and ice them to control the swelling.”

“They’d get huge,” Emmet said, giving me a nod. “If you ladies need help with anything, just come get me. I do this for a living, something you all seem to have forgotten considering that you never consulted me once.”

“Did they hurt your feelings?” Nicole pinched his cheek. “Did they bruise your big man ego by not needing you?”

“A little bit. I know they can do it themselves but I wouldn’t mind if they pretended to need me.”

I smiled as my eyes landed on Robby and Chase standing at the bar, appearing to have a heated debate. I felt Elaina grab onto my elbow as she watched the same scene. The two of us hurried forward to break up whatever argument they were having.

“Nah, dude, after I’ve told somebody to get glasses cleaned, you’re not gonna come through and holler at her to be on the floor. I’ll knock you out the next time,” Robby warned.

“Why not right now?” Chase gave him a cocky smile.

“Hey gentlemen, you have a bar to run. Are you going to run it or cause a scene?”

“Ask the dude who just screamed at a bar back like a maniac in front of everyone sitting at the bar,” Robby said, gesturing his hand towards Chase. “At least I pulled him to the side of the bar.”

“We are packed. She should be backing the bartenders on the floor.”

“She is!” Robby boomed. “How do you think they’re going to get the customers drinks without clean glasses, Chase? This isn’t a bottles only service.”

“I’ll clean the glasses!” Elaina chirped. “Just shut up and do your jobs, huh? I will get the glasses cleaned.”

“What is this dude’s problem?” Robby asked me, as Chase followed Elaina to the bar sink, whispering in her ear the same way Robby was snapping in mine.

“He’s Elaina’s…something? I don’t know if they’re dating or if they’re not. She tried to tell me that it was over but I woke up with him in my kitchen, so I don’t know. He has a problem with your brother. I don’t know if he knows that you’re Thaden’s brother and he’s just trying to give you hell. I don’t know, but ignore it. I swear the trash is going to take itself out at some point.”

“I am going to kick his ass if he keeps talking to people the way he’s talking to ‘em.”

“I’d love to see it. First row ticket, please.” I squeezed Robby’s shoulder. “You’re finding your flow. Just keep it up, dude.”

I went back to the table with Nicole, Emmet, and Amy just as Shoney approached. With the perfect smile on her face, she asked, “How are you, folks? Rae, can I get you something?”

“A turkey club and an orange juice sounds great,” I said with a nod. “Thank you, Shoney.”

“Absolutely, sweetheart. What about everyone else?”

“Another refill,” Amy said. “My son is going to have to carry me home tonight.”

“Wonderful,” Emmet muttered at his mother.

“I did it for you, plenty, kid. And you were bigger than me by the time you were three.”

“There’s Eden and Jaycee,” Nicole said, waving at the youngest Pacer sister as she entered the dining room. 

“Oh my gosh.” Jaycee ran up and wrapped her arms around my neck. “You and Laney did amazing. This place is stunning.”

I opened my mouth to respond to her, but before I could make a sound there was a crack, followed by broken glass and the sound of a slap. The whole dining room and bar area fell silent as everyone looked around to see what happened.

My eyes landed on Elaina as she stood up on the bar countertop.

“You dumb motherfucker!” A female voice broke out through the silence, crippled with pain. My eyes landed on Natalie, the wedding planner, standing up with her hand pressed to her cheek and blood leaking out of her nose.

I stood up to see Oliver smirking at her, as Elaina and Shoney both hurried in Natalie’s direction to be of assistance.

People slowly began resuming their meals as I too rushed over to the scene.

“Hey, hey, hey.” Shoney grabbed the sides of Natalie’s face as she broke down into tears. “Come with me.”

“Over here!” Chase ordered, waving Natalie and Shoney in his direction. “I have ice.”

“What are you doing, Oliver?” Elaina exclaimed. “You’re really going to make me call the police on you on opening night, huh? I don’t even have to do it. I can see at least five people already on the phone.”

He smirked as he cut off a chunk of his steak and shoved it into his mouth. “I am the police, Elaina.”

“Dude, this isn’t fucking Harbor. This is Pacer Hill. My fucking hill and if you pull something like that with anyone in front of me again, you won’t drive off of it.”

“Is that a threat?” Oliver asked her.

“Are you willing to gamble on it?”

He stood up, smiling at her as he shoved his hands into the front pockets of his faded skinny jeans. “You may have gotten hotter and lost some of that weight, but you still have that attitude. Like you’re better than everyone else because Grandma died and left you a bunch of money. Some shit doesn’t change, does it babe?”

He went in to kiss her cheek, but she rammed her shoulder into him, causing him to stumble backwards. 

“She fell into her car window?” I asked Elaina with an eyebrow raised. 

“I didn’t buy it from the beginning, but I also didn’t know that’s the asshat he’s dating. I can’t blame her.” She hugged herself as she watched Oliver leave. “He’s so charming, until the first time you piss him off. It’s a shit show from there. He is an animal.”

Elaina and I went into the kitchen to check on Natalie.

“He was my ride,” she sobbed.

“We have room at our place.” Elaina squeezed her shoulder. “Four, actually, and it’s just a walk right up the hill. It might be nice for you to take a breather.”

“Or you could use a guest room. We only booked eight of them for the night.”

Elaina shook her head at me. “I’m sorry. I can treat my home like a charity, but not this place. It’s a pay to stay only kind of joint.”

“It’s fine.” Natalie smiled as she held a washcloth filled with ice against her nose. “I am fine. I’ll call my dad to pick me up or something.”

“Maybe a hospital?” Chase suggested. “Your nose is gushing. You need to get it looked at. He might have broken it.”

“I can get Nick,” I said, as I went to push the door open. 

“No.” Natalie gave me a serious look. “I can handle it.”

“Mmm.” Elaina nodded. “I thought I could too until he almost killed me, but I guess you have to learn on your own. I did.” She looked at Chase and me. “Let’s leave her to it and get back to work.”

“That was a little cold,” Chase said as we followed Elaina out of the kitchen.

“I’ll comp her bill and see her out okay, but I’m not going to try to save somebody who doesn’t admit she needs the saving, Chase. I have problems of my own, like you. You’re a huge problem for me.”

He smiled at her. “I wasn’t a huge problem last night. Or was I?”

“You two are sick,” I grumbled.

Elaina watched me for a moment, a concerned look on her face. “Are you good, Rae?”

“No,” I answered, giving her a sad smile.

“What do you need?”

“This is something that you can’t fix.”

•••

I found Jenna’s diary when I was helping Stella clean out her apartment. I never opened it. I placed it in a box of her valuables that stayed stored in my closet. Something felt wrong about invading her privacy, even if she was no longer living.

I also didn’t want to read the words. Seeing her dead was enough. I didn’t need to read about her misery to add to my own resentment. I was already pissed that she chose death. Out of all of the options she had in life, why was stopping her heart even on the list? She was smart, amazing at writing poetry, a talented painter, and she made an art out of speaking to people. She was beautiful, so much so that she had a girlfriend who practically fell to her feet whenever Jenna walked into a room. She also had a group of guys that fell for her in high school, and spent their young adult years following her around to see what she was getting into. She was never alone. How does somebody with all of these things going for her see no way out of her pain? I went to therapy, read books, and listened to plenty of podcasts on the topic, but no matter how hard I tried, it didn’t make sense to me that my sister, one of my favorite people in the world, ended her own life and took herself away from me. I spent so much of my time wondering if the answer was in the diary.

But that’s not why I opened it that night.

I had came home from spending time with the staff at the hotel to find an empty house. I didn’t know where Elaina wandered off to, and I passed by Eli working on our house on my way inside. 

While I was in the black bathroom, taking a bath and taking advantage of Elaina’s amazing sound system, Jenna’s song to me filled the room. I hadn’t listened to it since before she died. I didn’t even realize it was still on my playlist. It sent me into a sobbing fit. 

I just needed to feel close to her.

I lit candles in my room and cuddled up with my pillows as I opened the journal.

‘I am not a miserable person. I swear that I’m happy with my life. There’s some things I would change, but nothing that I would give up, and I think that says a lot.’

‘I got the keys to my art shop today!”

‘Showed up to see Rae off to homecoming. It is criminal that my little sister doesn’t realize how beautiful she is, but at least Eli does. I see it in the way he’s always reaching out for her hand. All of the time. I want to love somebody that much, but they’ve been at each other’s side their whole lives. Their love is so different. So unique. From ‘peanut butter and jellies on Georgie’s front porch’ to ‘blunts in the carriage house’ different.’

‘Thaden, Nicole, Robby…They’re my family. I love them like my own siblings. So, why do I feel this shame when I am looking at them?’

‘Just when you think you moved past something, it creeps up on you in the dark of the night and you can’t breathe.’

‘I honestly don’t remember anything this man is writing me about. Arthur Lake has gotten my address and he keeps talking about how sorry he is for what happened in the shed. What happened in the shed? I remember going in there with him when I was younger, but I don’t remember anything else. Did I block it out? I was like five, so that could be. Now I feel like I should write him back and ask him what he is referring to, but do I really want to be pen pals with a murderer?’

‘The gardener. He was the gardener.’

I slammed the journal shut and threw it across the room letting out an enraged scream.

It wasn’t enough.

I stood up and started tearing apart my room. I slammed a picture frame on the ground, threw a stack of books into the wall, knocked over my whole nightstand, and just screamed. I screamed until I couldn’t scream anymore, and then I cried, because it still wasn’t enough.

Written by Ava McClure

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